Why do I feel like this today? I was not prepared to feel contractions like this until NEXT week at the earliest… let’s all cross our fingers this stays false, mkay?! For now, I’m hiding on the couch.
Friday, July 31, 2009
There’s nothing more amazing than waking up to the pitter patter of little feet and this face inches from yours, begging to play with you. No matter how psychotic the previous day went, she’s still so blasted excited that it’s another day and she gets to spend it with YOU.
(I say “you” and not just “me” because she’s not picky, she wants everyone to play. If you’ve visited, you know what I mean.)
This pic is from SH failed attempt at cutting her bangs last fall, but the expression is the same. Every single morning. AWESOME. Now I just have to remind myself that this thing inside of me will be completely useless and demanding and soul crushing for a year or 2, but eventually, we’ll get here. And I like here.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
“When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.”
- Alexander Graham Bell (via myserendipities)
It’s raining today and feeling positively gloomy. It’s like a preview of what it’s going to be like to not see the sun for all those months this winter… I’m worried. Add to that, the bands I left in ATL have been lucky enough to get some great replacement options for the fiddler spot. That’s good.. I really am happy for them since I do NOT want to be the reason either one of them disbanded. But a look around the life I’m leading now - in a town of less than 10,000 people, with nothing to do but watch my toddler and soon a baby around the clock… and that’s it. I chose this. I did.
Someone PLEASE fast forward the clock and tell me what I have to look forward to?? Please?? It would be so much easier if I knew I could get back to me in the near future…
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Someone with half a brain left please dig through the neck-high boxes all over our new house and find an Ikea bag for me and make this?? It’s just what I need! Alas and alack, I doubt we’ll find an ikea bag if I can’t even find the bowls for breakfast…
(click on pic for deets, it’s a changing pad and diaper baggie hack)
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
It’s not about how to achieve your dreams. It’s about how to lead your life. If you lead your life the right way, the karma will take care of itself. The dreams will come to you.
Randy Pausch - Last Lecture (via myserendipities)
Sunday, July 26, 2009
This is for Sanny - the bridal party recreating their boogie. It fills me with a sense of gratitude for love, and the knowledge that dagnabit, someday I’ve got to live near my girls again. Also, maybe these guys should be my friend?
Friday, July 24, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Oh man, I did good mommying today. I taught her a good little violin lesson (did I mention we’ve started those?), did some impromptu puppet shows, kept my cool when she threw tantrum after tantrum and even braved the park for a bit this morning even though this baby is making me so blasted sick and sore - heck, I even navigated my way through one of those tantrums where I have to speak to her and she doesn’t want to sit and listen so she starts shrieking “YOU’RE HURTING ME!!” even when I’m not touching her but everyone else in the park thinks I’m beating her and ended up with her hugging me and listening (booya). I had her giggling at made up stories, I had her following directions (mostly), I had her dancing all through bathtime and even during getting-dressed time, I was doing good.
And then when it was time to brush our teeth, she threw a fit because she wanted to use one toothbrush when I told her we needed to use a different one. Now, I do NOT give into tantrums. A kindly worded “Please” may even get me to change my mind, but I do NOT give her what she’s pouting for, nuh-uh. So a few strongly worded suggestions from me and she realized it was in her best interests to suck it up and just use the mommy-approved toothbrush.
As I was tucking her into bed, daddy came home from a 2 and a half day work trip and asked her about her day. “Mommy got mad” was all she said. That’s all??? After all I desperately did to NOT get mad at her toddler-ness all day?? I was too tired at that point, I just had to leave the room and cry. And go to the store and buy myself some milk because I haven’t had a tantrum free excursion out of this apartment in days.
Sometimes doing this job stinks. And I know it’s about to get a lot harder soon, which is terrifying. Although I’m looking forward to getting my body back…
um um um so excited, just stumbled on the fact that Charlotte Russe is having free shipping through 7/25 - and since I live far TOO far from one of my fav cheap retailers, I need to stock up on SOMEthing cute for after the bebe comes… the question is, what?? I can’t decide - please, someone do some shopping for me and tell me what cute people wear now-a-days!! I’m stumped!!
PS - my two favorite words in the English language are *free* and *shipping*, in that order.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
And she may cry, but her tears will dry - When I hand her the keys to a shiny new Australia! Okay, a year and a half after Tarzan insisted I watch it, I was up for 4 hours last night insominating and sick, and I finally caught Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog. HOLY SNAP. INCREDIBLE. If you are lame like me and haven’t seen it, pop some popcorn and check it out - it’s under an hour and the writing… campy and spectacular. Here’s the wiki page for some info on this gem. I embedded it for you, but I’d suggest viewing full screen. Dang, the music is SO well composed… If you are not lame and have seen it, feel free to gloat on how you are way cooler than me.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
all the loose ends are finally coming together -
We’ve been living in an furnished short-term apartment, trying to find a place out here to rent that isn’t falling apart. Fast-forward a few miracles, we found a lovely new home with a park in the backyard that wasn’t even advertised - all word of mouth. We move in a week from today!
Find a place to live? Check.
I need to give birth, but I couldn’t decide on a hospital or doc, since there are 2 nearby that are both lovely. I finally got health insurance paperwork today, so I called the one I’d decided on, only to find out they won’t take me because it’s too close to my due date and no doctors have any openings. Eep. So I called the other hospital and the only people who have space and will see me are midwives. That’s pretty sweet - I hear they are nice.
Find a doc? Check.
I wanted to put her in a preschool for socialization, but there’s no preschools for WT’s age group here so I thought I was out o’ luck. Then randomly at the park last week, I ran into a lady who works at a daycare/preschool and told me about a program that they had that is crazy flexible that I could put WT in that is nice and structured and has lots of kiddos her age, so lucky!!
Find a preschool? Check.
I REALLY wanted to get WT in a dance studio since she spends all her blasted time dancing, but the big studio the next town over won’t take her since she’s an October birthday.. grumble grumble… but lo and behold, I found a studio in our small town that has a 2-3 year old dancing class!! Dancing lessons!! Hurrah!!!
Something to tire WT out? Check.
And then tonight there’s a Book Club thing with some ladies at church that I can’t do, because SH is out of town on buisness and I’ll be on kid-duty. Then a lady in our ward with 3 little girls calls me up and offers to let WT come over for a pajama party with her girls so I can come and play.
Get a life and get WT a life at the same time? Check.
Phew…. I’m so glad things are starting to come together. Now as long as I don’t go into labor any time soon, we’ll be good to go…
Monday, July 20, 2009
In the endless corn fields of Iowa. This
morning in Nauvoo was incredible. Maybe it’s just the summertime talking, but the Midwest is so lovely, I’ve really enjoyed our short trip. Chock full of family and friends. Back to Wisconsin for now - and for the moment, I’m feeling good about this little part of the country, corn fields and all.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Oh, how much better I’m feeling this afternoon. After a sleepless night and a dragg-y morning, I discovered my inlaw’s hammock. Finally, a position I can sit in without pain!! I feel better than I have in ages.
This morning we went to the fabulous Iowa City library and let the wee cousins play. At one point, I looked over at SexyHusband and directly in front of him was a mom playing with her kiddo, bent over so her backside was in close proximity of SH’s face - and the whaaa factor was that her leggings were almost completely see-through. A near bare bum, right there in my husband’s bidness.
Amused, I looked up at him to see his reaction, and realized he was oblivious to the scene because he was so focused on watching over our daughter.
That’s a good guy right there.
Friday, July 17, 2009
It’s 2:30 in the morning and it seems sleep is over for me. Every time I lay down I get more nauseous -I wish there was a better word to describe this other than “heartburn” - such as “stomach bile eating up my entire esophagus and threatening to make me puke but instead sitting there in that horrible state of limbo in between puking and not and making me wish for the sweet release of death.”. There’s nowhere to run, the house is full of snoring in-laws and I’m hiding in this here bathroom for the next 5 hours. I can’t lay down because on the air mattress my head is lower than my stomach which starts the whole process again - and did I mention I can actually hear my stomach churning?? This is so worse than the first pregnancy - last time I was awake just because of that &$@ Brasilian rooster, not biowarfare in my gut.
I’d call my mommy and vent to her instead of irritating the interwebs, but she’s on vacay in London right now. iPhone, it’s just you and me…
I’m heading on a road trip this weekend. Some lovely people are getting sealed (that’s LDS lingo for you - when we get married in the temple, it’s for eternity, hence SEALED for eternity and such) in Nauvoo, so we’re heading there via SH’s sister’s place in Iowa. Not exactly Los Angeles, but I’ll take it.
I’ll have this picture running through my head the entire drive. Weirdo midwesterners drive the speed limit, apparently. Heck, in Atlanta, anything less than 80 mph is just plain RUDE.
Here’s hoping I don’t go into labor on the road!
(image via ooliquidnightoo)
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Journey : Don’t Stop Believin’ I had a choice… write a pity party post, or post one of my favorite guilty pleasure songs of all time. I can’t explain why, but something about Journey makes me so ridiculously happy, there’s no reason for it. It makes me reach for my hairbrush and air guitar like my life depends on it. Honestly, right now, it kind of does. Enjoy that mental image while I channel Steve Perry and get all Risky Business up in here.
Journey : Don’t Stop Believin’
I had a choice… write a pity party post, or post one of my favorite guilty pleasure songs of all time. I can’t explain why, but something about Journey makes me so ridiculously happy, there’s no reason for it. It makes me reach for my hairbrush and air guitar like my life depends on it. Honestly, right now, it kind of does.
Enjoy that mental image while I channel Steve Perry and get all Risky Business up in here.
I’m watching a Disney classic tonight - Robin Hood - and am thinking of this article I saw a while back on how Disney animators recycled certain scenes and backgrounds. Quite entertaining and eye opening - enjoy!
Monday, July 13, 2009
My official due date is one month from today.
And if I hear “It’ll be so much better this time - last time you were in Brasil…” one more time….
Listen world, once and for all - It Wasn’t Brasil. Heck, I want to go back right. now. It was postpartum depression. It would have happened anywhere. Being in a foreign country was a blessing - I was able to fall apart and hide in peace, it was actually very freeing. I was incredibly GRATEFUL to be hidden away while I fell apart without the pressure to put on a facade. And I was blessed to find the best psychatrist I’ve ever had there - a friend of mine (Brasilian, spoke no English) knew something was wrong, and insisted on dragging me along to her own appointment (she’s a widow and a single mom) and got me the help I needed.
It was the shock - that’s the exact word I’d use to describe it - of bringing WT home that was so tough on the both of us. We couldn’t have prepared for it, we didn’t know how our bodies would react. Being woken up all night was huge and terrifying, as was not having any idea of what to do, having my body rejected by her constantly and being suddenly, completely out of control.
I’m thinking the shock will not be as great - heck, WonderToddler has done a fair job of turning our lives irrevocably inside out so we’re used to that. But I’m still terrified, building mental fortifications against the darkness that may come. I have my medical history in hand, and a few resolutions from what worked and didn’t last time.
But in the end, it’s all out of my control again. I thought I had it all figured out - we had a house, we had family, we had friends, we had the doctor and the hospital, and now, again, in the last month I’m without it all. I give up. I really hope being a mom for almost 3 years has lessened my need to control everything in the universe….
I’ve lived in Wisconsin for a week. It’s starting to hit me - this is not going to go away. I’m here, for good, for a few years at least. I can’t explain how much this terrifies me.
Everyone I meet here is here because they love small towns. We’ve gone out and boy howdy are we tasting the local culture - the county fairs, demolition derby, and of course, Circus World. It’s all charming and amusing, but it’s starting to settle in how lonely I am, and how lonely WonderToddler is getting. Tonight during her bath she got insanely attatched to her shampoo bottle and insisted on hugging and kissing it the entire time, announcing it was her best friend.
The little kids here at church aren’t very welcoming so far. She’s new, she’s not like them, and I witnessed to 2 year old girls last week whisper to each other that they weren’t going to be her friend and ran away from her screaming every time she came near to try and play. It broke my heart - she is so welcoming and kind to everyone, she couldn’t understand what was going on. Its never happened before. And it reminds me of how often I was excluded as a girl - does she really have to look forward to that, and she’s only 2??
I can’t help but think - you girls don’t understand - this is the most wonderful girl that ever existed! It’s probably just a mother thing, but really, I don’t think there has ever been a little girl that was quite as charming, thoughtful, entertaining, infuriating, hilarious and loving as this child. Her name means sunshine - and it is so wonderful to see the way people light up when they meet her because she really does bring joy in the form of a heart-felt hug and kiss or a “Look what I can do!” performance of her dancing or hopping on one foot. I mean, I didn’t really like her when I had her, what with her screaming at me constantly, and releasing her bowels and stomach contents on me regularly, and she managed to convince me, ME - the anti-kid-lover to be crazy devoted to her. She’s got skillz, yo.
Le sigh… we have to live here - we have to make this work for the next few years. Here’s to hoping I can make this week good. I already scheduled a playdate with one of the mean little girls. I figure, if she doesn’t know who we are and wants to exclude, then let’s make friends and she’ll have no excuse. It may or may not involve candy. I’ve learned 2 year olds can be bought. Heck, so can 29 year olds.
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Friday, July 10, 2009
Eve 6 : Here’s To The Night Yesterday on NPR they were talking about songs that said summer to them and had specific memories attatched to them. I immediately thought of this song - the summer of 2001, and swing dancing to the live big bands Thursday nights at the Mercury Cafe with MatMunch. We were both nursing broken hearts that summer and we’d meet up Thursdays and dance until we couldn’t breathe anymore, then head to Denny’s for Grasshopper Blender Blasters. One night as we stood out on the street catching our breath in between dances, this song played on a car radio, Mat exclaimed how much he loved this song and we danced on the sidewalk… we were both a mess that summer, but his friendship and those Thursday nights were the best medicine. What song says summer to you?
Eve 6 : Here’s To The Night
Yesterday on NPR they were talking about songs that said summer to them and had specific memories attatched to them. I immediately thought of this song - the summer of 2001, and swing dancing to the live big bands Thursday nights at the Mercury Cafe with MatMunch. We were both nursing broken hearts that summer and we’d meet up Thursdays and dance until we couldn’t breathe anymore, then head to Denny’s for Grasshopper Blender Blasters. One night as we stood out on the street catching our breath in between dances, this song played on a car radio, Mat exclaimed how much he loved this song and we danced on the sidewalk… we were both a mess that summer, but his friendship and those Thursday nights were the best medicine.
What song says summer to you?
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Arg, why is it when someone else takes a picture of me lately, it makes me sad? I do try to not look fat and frumpy and pregnant, but that’s all I see. I took this superfab licture of SH, and I have to be happy with this one of me because you can’t see my face. Gr. r.. cool picture though…
And if I really think about it, with all the poor celebs dropping like flies and all, I am thankful that bad photography is the least of my worries.
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
Interweb is back. BACK I TELL YOU!!! I feel human. HUMAN I TELL YOU!!! Although it reminds me how horribly alone I am here in the middle of nowhere. All these people having normal lives out in the normal world where it doesn’t smell like cows.
Yesterday was a trip.. literally. The brakes went out in the van and I got to hike a few miles - everything was alright, I was just terrified I’d go into labor. Poor WT treated it like a death march while I mustered enough energy to drag her and say sweetly “It’s okay sunshine!” through clenched teeth.
Today I spent a little too much time alone in the apartment this morning… I felt the darkness coming in. Poor WonderToddler wondering where her friends were, why she couldn’t see them. Ouch. We did eventually head out to the library, which was full of really friendly people, and then even ran into someone we’d met at church over at the park. People here are so. blasted. friendly. Really, I’ve never met so many open people willing to smile and chat. Well, maybe Brasilians, but I had no idea what they were saying.
Every now and then I am so overwhelmed… but then I mingle with the locals and it makes me smile. Well, except for the one tidbit a local told me today about how last winter (a MILD winter she insisted) it was 20 below zero for an entire week.
Oooop, off to wake up WT and head to the store. I sure do love you, interwebs.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
We have no Internet. I repeat, we have no Internet.
We do have iPhones so I have a window to the world, but we also have little to no coverage here in the middle of nowhere. So the window is small.
I have never lived this close to farms and livestock.
In the parade we went to yesterday, there was an float devoted to cow chips, complete with a 15 foot wooden cow with a slot in the back that volunteers shoved cow poo through. I am not making that up.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
I’m taking the quiet of the drive to research baby names as we still are nowhere near procuring one for the dude in my belly. I find lots of cool ones, but I have to find one that passes the ultimate test: how does it sound being screamed while chasing said baby in the grocery store? That’s the sole reason SexyHusband’s suggestion of “Voldemort” got rejected.
This weekend at our stake conference , our leaders spoke a few times about pride and the importance of humility. So I did a good ol' s...