Wednesday, February 27, 2013

even I'M so over my baby angst

DAGNABIT. Lots of pain last night, wicked contractions at 2:30am and I was sure the baby was coming. I even brushed my teeth and put on blush.

And that's when the contractions stopped. Hello, 4:30am. AGAIN.

Monday, February 25, 2013

make blogs not sleep

Cursed contractions at 2:30am that didn't go anywhere woke me up and now I can't sleep. Hey, wazzup 5am??

This blog has become slightly more boring than usual what with my sitting around waiting for the next phase of my life to begin. But I will say I am feeling way better than usual because the ladies at church made dinner for me all week! I didn't realize how much of my day I spend worrying about dinner and not sweating it has been AWESOMESAUCE.

I know, I've made dinner planning lists before but I live in a house with picky eaters and a meal that works once doesn't always go over well the next time, so I never know. I stress all day about what to make and how no one will eat it and usually, they don't. It's this massive emotional crisis all flipping day. Very exhausting. Especially when I am already a very bad cook. It really, really stinks when I make something I enjoy eating and no one else likes it so it ends up the trash, a wasteful monument to my crappy skills. I actually made an entire meal the other week and threw it down the garbage disposal before dinner and made pasta because I knew no one but me would like it and I couldn't stand feeling like a failure that day.

And it's hard to get over the fact that all this effort and money will literally be flushed down the toilet at some point. So why even make an effort?? This central attitude is probably the reason I am such a bad cook.

Dagnabit, I should not blog at 5am. This is bumming me out.

Let's talk about something more fun! Ummmm... at some point, my skinny jeans will fit again! Although knowing me, they might not since I usually eat cookies for breakfast. Soooooo..... then I'll just get to go shopping for new skinny jeans! Yaaaay!! And I'll have a new human to yell at me. That'll be novel.

Ooooo, the other day the Dude crawled onto my bed and announced "I'm going to have a new baby! The baby is in your tummy! I can't talk to the baby. He's in your tummy." Then he thought hard for a moment and exclaimed "I can go in your mouth!" - thought process being that since food goes in my mouth to get to my tummy, him crawling in my mouth would enable him to talk to the baby. He actually tried to stick his hands in my mouth but I freaked out just in time. 3 year old boys are bacteria factories.

Ooo, speaking of bacteria factories, I got pinkeye last week! A raging case of it too. And when it finally cleared up, I got it in the other eye, wheee!! So now I'm stuck wearing glasses and not wearing mascara and I'm pretty sure I look like a dude.

Ooop, hold up, I think I may have just bored myself sleep again. Wish me luck!

Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

something wicked this way comes

So last week, my doctor told me he was willing to try a medication that would stop my milk production after delivery. For those not in the know, I have a fun condition where nursing makes my chemicals do Very Bad Things. Last time was... unpleasant. And I've been trying to mentally prepare myself for the physical and emotional %#*?! that I get to live through once I deliver this baby.

Side note - when I die and get to understand some of the mysteries in life, this is my first question I'll be asking: I understand the 9 months of pregnancy torture, the pain of labor (mom just told me the pain is equal to that of breaking 20-something bones simultaneously!), but why does the postpartum period of time have to be so dang wickedly terrible?? I have this beautiful, perfect baby and all I want to do is rip my skin apart and die. Is there a specific reason for this?? Just wondering.

So this medication I could use could save me some serious physical pain, and hopefully some of the chemical issues that come with it. Of course the side effects are fun-sounding, like heart attack, seizures and depression. Depression too? I've lived with that monkey on my back long enough that it doesn't scare me as much as the psychosis and physical pain that comes with nursing, but having a heart attack or seizure are new wacky things to think about.

I really like my doctor - he knows me and will research and check on me in between appointments and I really dig that, so when he warned me to not get my expectations up and that this medication can only work with they physical pain, not the emotional, I take that seriously. I'm trying to prepare myself again for that - whereas until this point, I've just been trying to focus on preparing for the physical pain since I didn't believe there was any reason to hope I'd be spared any of that, like last time.

It's just - everything hurt so much when WonderGirl was born that we didn't really get a chance to bond for a while. We were both just trying to survive. And the Dude was so perfect and sweet, it was exhausting to constantly try to push aside all the terrible things my body was saying and doing while all I wanted was to love him. This time, I'd really love to hold my baby and just love him, not try to love him through the haze of trying to keep myself from falling apart. Maybe this medication could help me do that? Or give me a heart attack, whatever.

I have to accept that this time next week, I'll be struggling to survive the postpartum apocalypse. Maybe it will be better? I can hope, and I do hope. But I did that before and the weight of realizing that despite all my best efforts, nothing was stopping that darkness crushed me. I have to be ready for that possibility.

I also have to be ready for sleep deprivation, which I'm getting loads of practice in now, as I was totally excited to find myself awake this morning at 3:30am instead of 2:30am like yesterday! Yay pregnancy insomnia!!

Monday, February 18, 2013

and now

Aaaaaaaand I finally decided to just allow the contractions to have their way and let the baby come Saturday. I got up, cleaned the kitchen and - voila! No more contractions!

All my weird baby wanted was a clean kitchen.

Saturday, February 16, 2013


I'm on husband-ordered bed rest as I overdid myself last week and my body thinks it is time to expel my lodger a week earlier than my mother in law can come help. I was up half the night with contractions two nights ago and most movement has sent my belly into a tizzy, so I'm bed bound. I have to walk around slowly like I'm moving through oatmeal to keep the contractions at bay. I don't think I can keep him in for a whole week, but I can try a little while longer.

Thursday, February 14, 2013


In honor of Valentine's Day, I'm going to share one of my most favorite romantic songs - Passenger Seat by Death Cab for Cutie:

I think in my earlier years I would have gone for something more bombastic - something more - more I think.  But every time this song comes on, it slows my breath and my heart, and I feel peace.  The peace that comes from being loved and being actively engaged in this insane experiment that is marriage.  Love isn't just grand gestures, it's the tiny things we do every day.  And that's why this song - the quiet moments together where there isn't much to say, just the peace, the beauty of being comfortable with silence - speaks to me. 

 I was looking at my jewelry the other day and saw my favorite necklace - this gorgeous sparkly thing the husband bought for our 5th anniversary.  I remembered thinking how grown up it was to be given extravagant jewelry, and how maybe, as a married woman of 5 years I'd arrived at this incredibly adult place where you wore necklaces like that.  And how we are about to travel a much more terrifying road than when I thought we'd arrived to some grown-up place as a couple of 5 years (yes, I'm being vague - deal with it) - I  feel more calm and settled than I ever have.  And I like that that's what love has turned out to be.  

Sorry 16 year old me - this is way better.

bedroom concert

The kids were sweet enough to have violin lessons next to my bed since I'd overdone myself all day and my hips had quit. WonderGirl played the Dude a song before his turn and he sang with her like it was the greatest thing he'd ever heard. I am seriously lucky. These kids rock!

Monday, February 11, 2013



For example: "Everyone in the house but me has a bionic cough and is miserably sick. It's a virus so there is no medication the doctors will give them, despite the fact that no one has slept in 4 days due to the constant coughing, and also because it is a virus, it could go on for months if we aren't lucky. AND I'M NINE MONTHS PREGNANT."


Friday, February 8, 2013


Now accepting recommendations for books to distract me when the baby comes. I generally don't read a lot because it draws me In too much and I have a hard time focusing on both book-world and real life-world and my real life jobs need my full concentration. But this is a time I want to completely block out real life as real life will be... less than satisfactory. I figure this is as good a time as any to finally read the Hunger Games. This is what the books must be:

Guilty pleasures are admissible

My list of must-nots is slightly longer:

No crude language
No sexing
No vapid Mormon romances
No downers
Nothing I have already read before

Hrm. You know, I think I'm going to get a few Tom Holt books. Expecting Someone Taller was smart and hilarious and my brothers always spoke highly of Flying Dutch. But you, my dear friends, have really good taste so I'll bet you have some awesome ideas. Lay em on me.

PS My morning sickness with Forster was awful and that's when I read Twilight to distract me. It worked mostly, although Breaking Dawn made the morning sickness worse.

Thursday, February 7, 2013

more yuks

You guys know how much I despise the term el-oh-el because it is never used in the proper context. But I promise these actually made me guffaw in real life. This is a nice handy hobby to have at 9 months knocked up, as long as I don't laugh too hard. If I giggle too much it makes me wonder if my water has suddenly broken.

silver linings

I forgot to mention one big-ish thing.   I got released from my calling at church last week (Young Women's president).  For a variety of reasons, one big one being my impending few months of post baby psychosis and the fact that my husband is still in the bishopric and I.need.a.break.  Yesterday was the first time I wasn't expected at a Wednesday night meeting (which always happens while the husband is having a bishopric meeting so I'm trying to corral angry teenage girls AND my angry children) and it was...  Heavenly.  The husband was late coming home for work so we saw him for 2 minutes, but it didn't matter because I had nowhere to go - both kids got leisurely, fabulous violin lessons and then we read and snuggled and holy snap it was like vacation.

Of course next I get to give birth and try and maintain an outward appearance of sanity while desperately trying to not act on any of the Very Bad Thoughts going through my my head for the next few months, but dagnabit yesterday felt goooooood.

Also, a shoutout to fabulous SIL Jane who has been acting as my substitute mom while my own mother romps around Asia.  Thanks for the talk yesterday - I am so grateful you picked up the phone and listened to my rambling.  Love you, sis!

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

tales from the couch

I'm due in 2 and a half weeks but I'm starting to worry I'll go sooner. The doc said my cervix is now thinned out to 50%, and the baby's head is so low I can hardly walk - so of course now I'm worrying I won't go soon enough and my legs are going to literally fall off.

I realized yesterday that the husband has never worked more than 5 minutes away from home, and now he is a good 50 mile drive away. I don't have any idea what to do if I start to go in the middle of the day - who will pick up WonderGirl from school, or watch the Dude. And if I do make plans, if I'll have the presence of mind to make any phone calls and be coherent.

Help. I'm trying to not overdo anything so I won't push my body into the labor zone, but the guilt of the messy house coupled with the kids who need a mobile parent is overwhelming. I really miss my mom.

Remind me again why I ever considered having children??

effective time management

Welcome to another edition of Blogging From The Doctor's Office! I've got a nice pile of yuks I've saved from Failbook for ya. Enjoy!

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

stream of craziness

I would like some ice cream.  Right now.

I wish I could just drive to get some ice cream right now but the Dude is asleep and that just seems wrong.  Not to me, but to the cops I think.

It is a good thing the McDonalds is on the other side of town because I could seriously go for some french fries, too.

I hate winter.

I also despise country music.  I know I've said this before, but seeing as my radio dial consists of mostly that, I feel the urge to scream it multiple times a day.

I have just noticed that every sentence here starts with I or I words.  Hrm.

Not now!  Hahahahahahaa!!!!

I feel trapped.  Like, there's snow out there and I don't have the energy to wrangle an angry Dude into a coat so I hate leaving the house, plus if I get up and move around my uterus turns into a boulder and it's hard to walk anyway.  I live in a teen tiny town with nowhere to go and I was wondering the other day what it would be like to actually live in the same town or state as one of my besties.  I don't have any idea how that would even work with my agoraphobic lobster of a husband.

I'm kind of excited to get to lay on my stomach again in a month or so.

I wish I was shorter so clothes fit me better.  Like, Target clothes.  Thems is clothes for the average human.

I'm kind of excited to try and wear regular clothes again, although I have discovered the secret to good maternity wear.  PLUS SIZES.  Seriously, they are roomy and actually try to not hug your middle thus showing off the plethora of panty lines that are getting ridik because I am too balloon-sized for anything to fit right.  The few plus sized things I've nabbed for this pregnancy are definitely getting altered a bit and are staying in rotation once I expel this human.  I HATE maternity clothes.

I have a tentative plan for when the baby comes, based on what happened last time.  I shall birth the human, stay in the hospital the appropriate amount of time, come home, kiss the kids and then check myself into a dive motel (that has an ice machine) down the street for 2 or 3 days.  That way I don't have to be around the baby or make small talk with anyone, I can just lay in bed and cry and wish I was dead in peace.  Then, when my body is done trying to kill me, I can take a nice long shower and head home.  The only kink in this plan is that the dive motels down the street look like they will give me a disease or someone will murder me there, which I definitely do NOT need on top of everything else.

I think this is a good plan.

I am reminded though of how disappointed I was on December 22nd and how the world didn't end.  I was kind of hoping it would.  Maybe getting shot at the Thunderbird Motel is just what I need.

Although what I REALLY need is ice cream.  With strawberries and Oreos.  And a mother who is NOT currently gallivanting around Vietnam.  But I could settle for the ice cream, at least.

Friday, February 1, 2013

sorry you have to copy and paste the link, i'm phone blogging


Candid Photos of MOMA Visitors Posing Next to a Video Installation

HEAR YE. I need to document the fact that I ran 3 miles and didn't feel like death.  So just to make sure it wasn't a fluke, I did...