NO GOOD VERY BAD DAY

When I was still pregnant and newly moved to Brasil, Watoozi came to visit me.  I remember our conversation we had like it was yesterday - I was reeling from culture shock and all I could think about was every blasted reason I hated it there - and we started listing all the things that drove us nuts about Brasil.  We stopped ourselves once I started getting superdepressed, and we decided to balance things out and do a list of positives about Brasil too.  Granted, it was much shorter, but it was a healthy thing to try.

I’ve been thinking about that conversation today because WonderToddler has been … HORRIBLE - and all I can think of is why I hate parenthood.  SO MUCH.  In fact, the very idea of having another one makes me want to drown myself in her kiddie bathtub.  I think maybe I am possibly being a teensy bit negative…. so, here’s my list of why being a mom is the worst idea ever, and then I shall endeavor to investigate the flip side with the good things parenting brings.

STUFF I HATE ABOUT MOMMYHOOD:

•  Never being able to go to a store without devising 16 ways to keep WT in the cart, and then once she screams so loud and I give in and get her out, the shopping trip is officially over as I have to run after her when she gets away, then carry her wrigging, hysterical body sideways on my hip out the front doors.
• No sleep.
• Screaming.  On both sides.
• Restaurants.  Not being able to enjoy a meal that I didn’t cook or serve, because I spend the entire time trying to convince her to stay in her chair and maybe eat something… she won’t.
• Cooking/preparing food and watching it be smashed, ripped, pushed and/or thrown.  NEVER eaten.
• Those fake cries I hear every time she doesn’t get what she wants.  “Huuuuh huuuuuuh” and I ignore them, because I KNOW they are fake and if she’s not going to eat anything all day, the last thing I’m going to give her that cookie she’s screaming for.  That doesn’t make it any less irritating.
• How everyone else thinks she’s an angel because she treats THEM kindly.  Me, not so much. 
• Carrying her screaming out of libraries, parks, other people’s homes, church, stores, etc. - and then trying to flatten her arched back to I can latch her into the confounded car seat.
• Giving medicine.  I have it down to a science now - hold her almost upside down and squeeze the liquid down her throat, and walking the delicate line between getting her to swallow and drowing. All the while she’s screaming and I’m screaming back “I’M TRYING TO GET YOU HEALTHY!!!”  No gratitude.
• Not being able to have a doctor, dental or shrink visit without moving heaven and earth to get someone to watch WT.  Or teach in the middle of the day without the same.  I feel tethered.  
• Spending my entire day with someone who takes offense at everything I do for her.
• Being responsible for everything.  EVERYTHING.  It’s my fault if she screams.  It’s my fault if she hits.  It’s my fault she won’t eat.  And I’m the one that’s supposed to make sure she’s healthy and not cranky.  I have no experience, no education in this, but since I’m the woman, I’m expected to stay at home and do nothing but this all day every day.  It’s what we do.  And I just. don’t. like. it.
• “NOOOOO!!!!!”

Okay, that’s depressing enough - onto the good stuff:

STUFF THAT DOESN’T SUCK ABOUT MOMMYHOOD:

• When she says “HELLO!” and charms the pants off just about anyone we meet.
• Being surprised that she’s actually smarter and bigger than every other kid we know her age.  (She’s only 18 months and knows the entire alphabet and can count to 10!!!) It’s nice to take credit for, even though all I did was teach her just like anyone else does, she just picks up stuff fast I guess.
• Dressing her up for church.  SO much fun - I’m so glad I had a girl.
• When she hugs me - actually leans her head in and rests it on my shoulder and wraps her little arms around my neck.
• Hearing her say “Thank you!” without me prompting her.  It feels incredible that I got at least one thing right.
• Ignoring her 58 choruses of “mamee, mamee, mamee, mamee” and then asking “WHAT?” just to get her to stop, and seeing her pause, reach up and ask hopefully  - “Hug?”  It melts me every time.
• Getting her to laugh.  Granted, with my kid it’s not too difficult because she’s so easily amused, but it always feels like I’ve hit scored a home run, or hit a touchdown.
• Kisses.
• Watching/hearing her run with those little legs.  It’s more like she’s bouncing, and it’s hysterical.
• Entertainment value.  It just feels good sometimes to laugh when she does something crazy.  And she’ll laugh right along with you. Like this.
• Sleepy hugs, when she clings to me in a lovely, deep and heavy embrace.
• Any time any music comes on - ANY music - she’ll start dancing, hopping and smiling. 
• Reading books to her when she’s tired - because then she’ll sit there and love the entire book with me.
• Slides.  She loves getting up a slide, going down a slide, jumping off a slide, and it’s insanely cute.
• Watching how much she loves people.  She lets people know it - she has a gift of being able to love and let them know it.  It has been very healing to many people and I’m in awe and grateful for it.
• She’s not shy.  I LOVE that:)

Whew…. okay, it was good to end with that list.  I feel better. 

It’s not all horrible, it really isn’t.  But when I think of what I have to do ahead - potty training (I never thought that was difficult, until I met my child), getting her to drop the pacifier, not pick her nose, sleep in a big person bed, stand still, get her to stop putting sticks and dirt in her mouth… and all while going back to the horrific newborn phase with another??

I’m just overwhelmed, and it doesn’t show signs of stopping.  Ever. I can’t enjoy the ride, I wish I could, but I’m too terrified.  I know this is what I’m supposed to do so I did it, but why one earth didn’t I get that nurturing gene??  It would have been oh-so handy.  Anyone want to lend me some????