Monday, September 26, 2016


The older kids are at school... the preschooler (just on Tuesdays and Thursdays) is napping... probably.  And I?

I'm almost 37.

I put that picture up instead of a selfie because I'm realizing I am kind of uncomfortable being anything but their mom.  I've been that for so long that being anything else doesn't feel... right.  I went into motherhood kicking and screaming louder than the kids came into this world.   And now, it's a shield.  I'm bad at life?  That's cool.  I stand behind the spastastic half-nekid toddler to distract from my own crazy.  Or the dizzying autistic kid.  Or the loud tween.

I was a teen once.  It took a while to take myself seriously and realize that I was old enough to be expected to have the capacity to drive myself across the state for rehearsals, auditions, etc.  And to be responsible for so, so much knowledge - that if I didn't get and retain it, I'd have no shot at college and the life college brings.

Then I was a college student, which is what I'd always wanted to be.  It was hard, but I loved it.

Then I was old enough to graduate and it took a while to recognize that I wasn't just a college kid anymore.  Teaching high school was so confusing and difficult.  I just couldn't picture myself as that person and I was a ball of nerves and contradictions the entire time.

Then I got married.  That was a hard transition, but the plus side is I got a husband who loved me and wanted to be with me forever.  That's kind of awesome.

Then I got pregnant.  And moved to Brasil.  The day we went to get visas and junk, the lady processing us asked me what my occupation was and I couldn't answer violinist - violin teacher - or anything familiar, because I wouldn't be doing those things there.  So she put "Homemaker" on my form.  I turned to Jared and started silently yelling.  Not that there is anything wrong with that job - but I had no experience with that, no history, and it was not something I'd ever, ever had to come to terms with.

In Brasil, I was alone with a baby.  I was suicidal, scared, sick, and a total mess.  I couldn't come to terms that I was now a mother.  Being a mother meant that I had given up everything familiar and was now going through the worst physical and emotional pain I could imagine.  A few years down the road, with experience and medication under my belt, I started feeling less like a liar when I said I had a daughter.  And then a son.  And then another son.  I was and still am a mess of an adult - I don't understand mortgages, or the stock market, but no one really judges you on those things when they see you chasing your half naked son through a library.  They are just like - "that's a mom."

So I am a mom.  It's safe and protective.  It covers a multitude of my inadequacies.

But for 3 hours a day on Tuesdays and Thursdays, I'm not a mom.  I'm a woman who has their 3 year old in preschool.  I don't know what to do with myself, and it makes me panic to think that in 2 years, I'll have 8 hours a day 5 days a week where I won't be able to hide behind a spastic child.

It's weird how terrifying that is.

Thursday, April 14, 2016

we vacay right

Around year ago, a friend posted an Instagram pic of her and her kid at Disneyland for an apparent birthday trip.  I was like, how fun is that??  And she was like yeah - this is a family tradition  - the 8th birthday is a big deal because our kids get baptized, but for their 9th birthday, they felt it was one of the last times their kid could go to Disneyland as a kid.  And that struck me because - I'd never taken WonderGirl to Disneyland.  Because she has 2 younger brothers who can't be trusted in public.  I adore them, but they are regularly just one step away from licking a stranger.  Someday, heck yes, we are going for a fun vacay, but not until the husband and I don't have to switch off "Dude/Thing 3-duty every time we go outside of our own house (and actually, we have to pull sifts at home too).

So I spent a year pouring over maps and plane schedules, and made it happen.  It was... unbelievable.  So awesome.  As I walked into the park, I could feel my awed 17 year old self  in the summer of '97 walking Main Street at my first job - and I was overwhelmed with the reality of walking the same steps 19 years later with my 9 year old daughter.

Honestly, I cried on and off all day.  I enjoyed every second with WG.  I rented a Kia and they gave me this instead:

A video posted by @onebrickshyish on
... So that video was absolutely necessary.  And the 45 minute wait so this could happen?
A video posted by @onebrickshyish on

.... all her idea, and the best idea ever.  We were walking past this long line that morning and couldn't see what it was for, so we asked someone and they told us it was to sign up for the Jedi Training show later that day.  I figured it was a long wait and we should move on, but she insisted it was worth it.  Right on, girl.

Anywho, but the time the Dude turns 9, the new Star Wars land should be open.

Can't wait!!!

Sunday, November 29, 2015

Missed one day because I was too busy enjoying my family! And making sushi!

Missed another day because I got Ebola! Happy winter season!

Thursday, November 26, 2015

It was Thanksgiving! I didn't cook anything! I'm thankful for all these people! And you! And exclamation points!

Wednesday, November 25, 2015

No one threw up today! We went out for lunch with the girls to celebrate my mom's birthday! Our waiter Gilbert photobombed us!

And now there is a picture of him on the Internet!

Happy Wednesday!

Tuesday, November 24, 2015

We're in Colorado! Yesterday the hubs got sick and today WonderGirl and Thing 3 spent the entire day throwing up! So I'm going to bed now, totally wiped out! Happy Tuesday!

Sunday, November 22, 2015

We just played a party for some friends and now we have to get the kids to bed so we can be up at 4am for a 6am flight. So pray for us...

Friday, November 20, 2015

Enjoy these random phone pictures.

I'm going to be bold. At some point - possibly in 2015 - I'm going to be able to touch my toes while standing with my knees straight and all that. I've been googling it and it seems mixed - some places say you can loosen up tight hamstrings, and some say WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?? ABORT ABORT!!
But since Monday, I'm pretty sure I've gotten a millimeter closer.

Oh, and on a totally unrelated note - the whole family is flying to Colorado for Thanksgiving next week. For a week. It is so surreal to be packing sweaters while wearing shorts. Have I mentioned how much I am digging living here??

Thursday, November 19, 2015

I didn't post yesterday. It wasn't that I forgot - it was just that I.. well, I'm a little weirded out. Yesterday I did something completely out of character.

I was awaken (awoke? awoken?) rudely at 4 am with the information that the Dude had thrown up several times during the night, in various locations of his room and the hallway.

Isn't that the perfect start to a day with the perfect excuse to be a total grump?

But after I cleaned things up and went to go back to bed, something really strange happened. I kept going. I didn't want to get back in bed, so I got in the floor and yoga'd. At that unholy hour.

Then I went back to survey the damage upstairs, and ended up vacuuming his room, then the hallway. Then WonderGirl's room. And then I even tackled and tamed the playroom down the hall. I cleaned the bathrooms. I cleaned the kitchen.

That is NOT normal.

Today, I washed all the tile floors and vacuumed the test of the main floor, and cleaned my room. I washed my sheets. I washed the bathmats. I don't even remember what else, I'm tired now, but I haven't been. Whenever I've felt tired, I've day back down in my yoga mat, stretched, breathed, twisted, and then gotten back up and kept going.

Doesn't that sound like normal stuff? But it isn't for me. I'm always exhausted. I usually commit to one thing and then that's it for a while. I can't explain it, living with the physical issues from depression, but that's what it is.

And suddenly this week, with this yoga thing - every time I do one thing, my body goes almost automatically to the next thing. I keep doing things. My body keeps going. That's not normal.

Although right now, I'm finally exhausted. That's normal. So I'm going to bed.

Tuesday, November 17, 2015

Snapped this at church Friday. It took everything I had to keep from tracking down a sharpie...

Monday, November 16, 2015


A year and some change ago, I went to my knees seeking an answer to our evening family scripture "study." I use the quotation marks because of the hearing cats issue that flows into every activity this family takes on.

The answer that came was pretty cool - no more attempting the impossible. One scripture a week that we memorize, discuss every night and I tape on the wall for some visual reinforcement.

The Mormon hipster in me was actually a little irked at the whole "ponderize" craze. Like, that was soooo 2014.

But, it was one of those few moments where I was given inspiration so clearly because there no way I'd figure this out for myself (unless I waited a year for General Conference.)

So that's what I got this morning. The inspiration, not General Conference. I was praying last night - not for anything in particular, just for some help with the feeling cruddy all the time. Always tired, always hazy. As I laid in bed this morning, there was a clear, loud, audible answer - "YOGA."

I obeyed. I tried, but the kids woke up and climbed on top of me. Solution: Cosmic Kids Yoga. Google it - I'm on my phone. But it still worked.

We did the Star Wars one.

Well, that and the extra 17 minutes I snuck in my closet after I dropped the kids off at school.

But seriously, I can breathe today.

Oh, and check this shirt that I snagged in Aliexpress for 4 bucks shipped: