opinionated.

In regards to the previous post with Robert Pattinson looking like a moron, it was merely in response to my feelings on his acting abilities in the Twilight movie.  Oh man… I laughed through that whole thing it was so bad…

So here, as a gift to the few of you who have been DYING to hear my take on the series, here is my about-3-years-too-late commentary:

Twilight is like rock candy.

=

Nothing but pure sugar.   No real flavor, but still satisfying if you need something diabetes-invoking sweet.  I read the books all in about a few days this past Christmas when morning sickness decided to attack 24 hours a day, and they were delightfully distracting.  What they all say is true - the writing is juvenile at best, the characters are pretty 2-D, but the story is kind of engaging and at times, SUPER HOTT.  I don’t always want a steak dinner for my brain when I read, so it totally hits my need for brain sugar.

And the relationship between Bella and Edward was exactly what 16 year old me wanted - you know when you fell for someone the first time, and being apart made you want to puke?  Man, if I had only dated a vampire who couldn’t sleep and wanted to tend to my every need when I was younger… wait, I kind of did… he was insane (legally) AND cheated on me… okay, so in theory it sucks too, but the 16 year old in me gets a sugar high from perfect non-legally insane Edward tending to Bella.

Fabulous little distraction. 

Oh, and yeah, the critics were right, that last book was REALLY poorly put together - the stories read disjointed and it didn’t feel fluid at all, didn’t have the great narrative of the previous books - but as a sugar junkie, it tied up the loose ends so I have little to complain about.  It’s not like I’M out there writing books for anyone, so I’ll shut my mouth.

Oh, and that whole part where she gives birth and it’s all bloody and creepy?  I read that on an airplane while dealing with morning sickness - I thought I’d DIE but I couldn’t stop reading - GAH!

But then, SexyHusband did the unthinkable - and took me to go see the movie.  A chick flick - I was flabbergasted, and prepared to enter a sugar coma. 

All I can say is… I’m thankful we went on the 75 cent night at the dollar movies - except SH still feels gypped.

The actors all looked the part - mostly - but I think someone forgot to find out if they could actually ACT.  Oh man, I couldn’t stop LAUGHING it was so bad (Jasper was the funniest thing I have seen in ages!).  And the lines… I know the book is written poorly, but I thought maybe they’d hire someone to fix the writing for the screenplay.  Whoops on that account.  I don’t care that it deviated from the original story line, movies all do, but that was really the best they could do?  And the makeup on the vampires - it looked like I personally with my crappy make-up abilities threw some talcum powder on their faces (but not covering the whole face) and then put some eyeliner on the bottom.

And last but not least - the one thing they got horribly wrong - and I am SHOCKED because this is the one thing Hollywood CAN do - there was absolutely no sexual tension.  It was akward and weird the whole time.  I hoped for a second when he tried to kiss her it would be remotely hott, and then bam, nope, still creepy.

And I’m incredibly disappointed at how UN-sexy Mr. Pattinson was - hence the unattractive post.    His two facial expressions were 1. Pain/Anger and 2. Blank.  Le sigh… I WANTED him to be a hunky leading man. 

At least I have my own hunky leading man.  And the books for sugar when my -brain-blood-sugar needs it.  </rant>