the green monster

I’m ready to admit it.  I love reading blogs.  I LOVE reading blogs.  I can do it all day.  I think I might have actually done it all day at some point.  We’re all in this together and all that.  But dagnabit, I have to admit something.

I have cjane envy.

Oh, I know that if we all traded lives with each other one day, we’d be begging for our own lives back.  God tailor-makes our weaknesses and strengths to handle our own lives.  And how she and her family have handled the trauma of the last year with class and dignity is admirable.  Really.  But every now and then I read her fabulous writing skills, about how she lives so close to family and friends, they have these fun crazy adventures and she has sisters (I’ll never get over wishing I had a sister… or that WonderGirl had one, as much as I love the Dude), and all the pictures of them looking cooler than cool, there’s a twinge of envy I stuff back down with almost every entry.  Yes, she certainly has a life that looks fab, but we all struggle.  She does, I do, we all do, nothing to start getting jealous about.

And then I happened on this picture from her 30th birthday…

I can hide it no longer.  My pity party for one is now a full blown flash mob. Dagnabit, I’m days from turning 30, I have no friends, no plans, I live in the middle of blasted nowhere, I just spent an ENTIRE HOUR trying on clothes to see what I could pack to wear to my grandfather’s funeral this weekend and NOTHING FITS - I can’t even button any shirt up or zip up any skirts - I’m so blasted depressed to have this stupid body that is larger than I’ve ever been and I hate it - AND - I do not own this skirt.  I don’t even have anywhere to wear a skirt like this. 

I give up.  I can’t be optimistic anymore.  I have cjane, and everyone else on the planet envy.  Envy for people with friends in their own time zone and date nights.  For anyone that doesn’t live across the street from a flipping farm.  For my friends who are celebrating their 30th with trips to Vegas and Hawaii, heck even a nice lunch out would be nice.  Envy for poeple who can fit into their clothes, or live somewhere where they can at least go shopping for ones that fit, since I live in a town without a single clothing store.

Ignore the crazy.  I’m just so lonely and seeing that skirt… my dream skirt… and not having clothes to be able to wear to my own grandfather’s funeral  - it’s just too much today.  Tune in another day when I am able to see the world as it is and know that these problems are absolutley NOTHING compared to the bigger things in life. 

That day just isn’t today.