Thursday, August 16, 2012

my real life is not blog-cool

Carina wrote the most perfect post the other day and I just have to share part of it:

I've been sporadic with the postings on this blog (even the admission of which is contrary to a rule I set for myself: no apologies, no schedules, talk about what you want to talk about no matter what, and never outline a break.) I think, however, that I'm making all of this far more complicated than it needs to be. Back before there were "mommy bloggers" and "lifestyle bloggers" and "tumblr" there was just blogging, and I used to kind of love it. Then everything got sliced into categories and genres, discounted or vaulted, valued and dissected. Perhaps I need to get back to what I used to love about writing online, in my own space and time.

The whole post isn't much longer and in true Carina fashion, is a hoot, so by all means go check it out.  But it totally made me think.  Remember when blogging was fun and not to prove something or expand readership or whatever?  Before we had digital cameras or smart phones and knew how to post pictures?  Before bloggers became superstars on morning talk shows as "experts?"  Not that I ever got all dragged into anything all high-fallutin' but when I sighed up on Mormon Mommy Blogs on a lark and got "funny ladies" as my category I was all whooooaaaaaa.  Under pressure *dun dun dun dundundun dun*

Also, motherhood.  When I started blogging I was a senior  (second year senior, whatever) in college.  Single, world traveling, muuuch more interesting than I am now.  Behold, a snippet of a post from 2001:

We're all in a car driving home from a concert - Aunt Sanny at the wheel, Grandma, me, and cousin Nicole.
Sanny: We'd better pick up some milk on the way home.
Me: (stupidly) Why?
G*ma: the cow died.
Sanny: there's no milk in the whole bloomin' house.
Me: G*ma, did you ever have a cow?
G*ma: Oh, sure.
Me: Really?? When?
G*ma: oh, several times a day.
just let that settle in - I was laughing so hard I almost hyperventilated.

See?  It carries a lot more weight that the Dude finding the the word "toot" high-freakin-larious.

UUUUUuuugugugughghghhhhh.  Again I go with the blogging about blogging.  But my real life is unbloggable right now.  I'll show you what I mean:

I'm Young Women's president.  I always overwhelmed, fielding several calls a day from the girls about things I'm behind on or what they want.  Also I'm freaking out about how they just don't get certain things and how mean they can be to each other.   Reminding myself that I'm not their mother so I have little control over what they choose to do, but holy snap I can't stop worrying.  If they show up to an activity actually dressed appropriately I have a mini-heart attack.  There's a million little things I should be doing and can't figure out how, so I'm always stressed and always feeling terrible.  In fact, I'm blogging right now at 7am because I woke up and tried to watch a leadership training video that isn't working after multiple sites, attempts, and voodoo dolls burned.  I can't blog about that because when I'm not actually doing YW stuff, I'm TRYING to relax and forget I'm actually YW president.

School is about to start.  WonderGirl is going to be in school ALL.DAY.LONG.  I freak about her starting school every year - first it was 2 mornings a week, then 3, then 4, and now this year it is every day until 3 in the afternoon.  Do you know what 1-3pm is in my house??  WG time.  The Dude naps and I get my sunshine to myself.  We learn piano, violin, read good books, snuggle, cook, learn math and whatever else.  I live for 1pm.  Can I even have a piano or violin lesson while the Dude is awake??  It's going to be impossible.  He sees that instrument and begs for it endlessly, or tries to steal it.  He's turning 3 on Friday and he's still too young to start on either instrument seriously so he acts like he's a poor victim and we can't get anything else done while he's awake.  Without my WG time, what will I do???

Oh, and the Dude is starting preschool too - 2 mornings a week.  Where maybe, just maybe he gets the hang of the potty training thing?  And I'm terrified at how things will work out for him.  He's a sensory seeking kid who is really good at self-regulation, meaning if that sometimes he needs to run in circles and laugh like a hyena.  He is sweet and kind, but he can't sit still in a class (the stories from him nursery class at church are pretty funny).  WG couldn't sit very well either, but it was for other reasons.  She needed to hug everyone in a 15 foot radius or she.would.die.  Will the teachers understand?  Will I know what to do or to say? 

And that means I'll have 6 hours kind of to myself a week for the first sememster... I say kind of, because you know I'll be bloated like a whale and unable to do much of anything, probably trying to do housework and failing miserably, then I'll be manic depressive and suicidal the next semester.  While tending a newborn, because that's how I roll.

I try to not to think about the hell that's coming, because I've lived through it twice enough to know that eventually, it will stop.  Although I'm considering going ninja on the next person that tells me 3 kids is when you lose all control and your life is a mess.  Because I was actually a mess at one, and things have gotten progressively better, jerkface.

Speaking of crazy, the Dude will be 3 tomorrow.  He's an enigma wrapped in an a cuddle monster.  I can't get enough of this child, but I also can't figure him out.  I will say that him being 3 and a half when the next one arrives is awesomesauce.

We went out of town last weekend on a whim to visit the temple in Chicago.  It meant getting a hotel room Friday night, then the husband and I taking turns going to the temple Saturday morning while the other watched the kids.  We did NOT sleep Friday night.  The Dude and hotel rooms rarely mix.  We were sitting at the dinner table the next day, exhausted and exhausted.  And I rememebered that soon, sleep will be a luxury not meant for the likes of us anymore.  "Remind me why we're doing this again?" I moaned to the husband.  He smiled, and tickled the Dude.  The inevitable joy and laughter that shot out of the Dude was enough to remind me that dagnabit, it's worth it.  Especially these kids.  You would be hard pressed to find more easily amusable children.  It's a tender mercy.

The kids are awake and I'm back on duty.  I'll look hard today and try to see if there is something non-mundane that's not on this core list of what the heck happens in my day-to-day.  Maybe I'll surprise myself.  If not, I'll call my mom and goad her into saying something wildly innapropriate and post that instead.


Talula Does the Hula said...

One person's mundane is another person's interesting. I love the way you write about your kids. You're a natural, so don't worry about reaching for something. Just write what you know.

Anonymous said...

I hear it's after 4. So rest, my child. 3 will be a breeze.

Jane said...

Are you sure I can't come and stay for a month to make your life better some time next spring?
Also, the calling will be what it is. You can't make other people make god choices. You just can't and I hate that I can't but that's the way of this life and you just have to let it go. I hate that too, but it's a skill I am trying to develop.

heidi said...

so. blogging should serve a personal need and if other people enjoy it, bonus.
and as far as YW, i was released from laurels advisor just before the baby was born and i was crushed. i felt like i was failing in so many ways but as soon as i didn't have the opportunity to work with the girls, i felt worse. anywhoo, the one think i have learned is that those girls just need love. and if they show up looking trashy, at least they showed up. following the "rules"? that's just gravy sometimes. our new YW pres called one of the girls a streetwalker, to her face. now the girl doesn't come. don't worry, you're not failing. i would love to work with you in YW because you're unconventional.

HEAR YE. I need to document the fact that I ran 3 miles and didn't feel like death.  So just to make sure it wasn't a fluke, I did...