Last night one of my counselors led a class on making life goals and how to choose, prioritize and all that. I didn't expect to participate, because hey, I'm chasing a 3 year old. But they gave me some paper and my 6 year old got really into it, so I figured I should try. But I couldn't come up with any life goals, besides potty training children and maybe playing some cool festivals with my band next summer (I had a conversation with my guitarist the other day... he had called to find out when I was due. Why am I due just before St. Patrick's Day??? I had wanted to be all settled and ready to play summer festivals which I will be, but why on earth as a fiddler in a Celtic band would I give birth anywhere near the holy gig day? Ugh on myself, I say).
Check out WonderGirl's life list:
Aren't those awesome?? I wish I had made one at 6 - but I can predict it would have looked something like this:
- Go to college
- Be a rockstar on the violin
And we all remember, when I graduated from grad school I had a life crisis since I'd never looked past that point. And life just sort of fell on top of me in this huge tidal wave of things I'd never planned on within a few months - cross-country move, real job, get married, AK. It was a LOT to live through. But I did fulfill my other life dream and joined a band and felt like quite the rockstar indeed. Everything was awesome.
Until I got pregnant.
Okay. okay, I could live through that - this new mother thing would add dimension to the life I'd stumbled into. Except then I left the country and had to leave my band too. Anyone who was there knows that leaving the country was far less painful than leaving my band. They got another fiddler and moved on. It hurt so much to leave my dream behind. I came back, kind of joined the band again, started another band, but living an hour away from them made everything less fluid.
And then I got pregnant again... and moved to Wisconsin.
The teacher last night had a little pity for me and my lack of life goals, I think. She has 4 grown children and has lived in the same house for well over 20 years, and does lots of crazy cool things. Why would I be so amazingly dull? But I think I've learned to stop having long-term goals because I have such little control over them, plus I've already done a ton of them - traveling the world and graduating from grad school and all that. I had new goals after that and as much as I've tried to hang on, that life I had in Georgia is gone. I'd give anything to have it back, but I have no control over that. Losing my dreams hurt so badly, I'm just taking life as it comes now.
It's not all bad. I have short-term hobbies now - I want to learn how to be a better photographer, and that's a fun dream to have. Although it is a little frustrating to try and teach myself and know no matter how hard I try, my photos will never be as good as actual photographers with kajillion dollar cameras and such. I try to ignore that fact. And I'm trying to not live like a hobo. I can clean a kitchen kind of - that is a HUGE improvement! I still can't cook, but since I cook for picky eaters, I have no motivation to fix that.
Long term, I want to raise kind, loving, successful humans. And I'm working my butt off on it. But there are so many variables - and they have free will to decide how they'll end up in the long run, so I try to not wrap all my hopes and dreams around them. That's not all that healthy, I think. Although if they DO end up kind, loving and successful humans, I'll totally take a heap-load of credit and do a happy dance.
In other news, my way cool friend Aubrey who knew me in high school (an unfortunate time, but pre-minivan days) asked me the other day if I ever watched the Lizzie Bennet Diaries because Lizzie reminded me of her. A quick google search found this image, which was discouraging since the Lizzie in the middle looks psychotic:
It pays to have friends like Aubrey. What an awesome Monday find! You should watch them from the beginning and get addicted, but I warn you, you'll watch at 63 webisodes and discover it's only half-way through and then you'll have to wait. ugh. That's exactly why I haven't read the Hunger Games yet. I got into Harry Potter WAY too early and had to wait years between books and movies. I hate waiting.
Maybe my new dream will be to get a video camera thingy and learn to take videos and edit them and start a web series. About whatever it is the the Dude is doing in the next room. Which from the sound of it, is complimenting all his toys for doing a good job. I'd watch that.