Tuesday, March 12, 2013

blogging through

Readers of a thousand years ago (okay, just over 6) will remember that after I gave birth to WonderGirl, I went through some serious post partum junk.  I wouldn't just call it depression, because there were soooo many factors that went into it.  One of the things that kept me holding on to life was blogging.  People from all over the world -some of whom who I'd never met - sent me the sweetest comments and e.mails, letting me know I wasn't alone.  I blogged through the pain, and eventually came out the other side.

Already this go around, I have gotten e.mails, posts, comments, even gifts from you guys and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for thinking of me.  It has reminded me that I can't retreat into myself, as much as I want to - and I have to play through this.  It's not going to be easy.  But I've got my imaginary world out there where I have invisible hands holding me up and I'm going blog through this mess.  It's the only way I'll survive.

So bearing that in mind, I'm sitting at an actual computer (I've been blogging from my phone for a while) and don't have to pick my words out as carefully.  Let the therapy commence.

The whole my-skin-isn't-big-enough-for-this-engorgement phase is starting to pass.  I'm starting to realize that I just can't escape what is happening.  Every few minutes I have let-down and it feels like I'm being stabbed in the chest - and that's just physically.  Emotionally I feel like everything is wrong and I need to get in the car and drive into oncoming traffic.  And this will happen over and over and over for the next few months while I am trying to handle a 3 year old who is going through a massive life crisis, a 6 year old who is... well... a handful, and a newborn who gives me panic attacks because the lack of control I feel around babies gives me panic attacks, and somewhere in between all of this I'm trying to process what it means that my husband is a bishop.  I'm really scared.

Oh - AND now I have bronchitis!  I can't breathe and when I cough it feels like my lungs are trying to get out.  I drove home from the doctor yesterday screaming and sobbing because I was alone and I just needed to get it out.  I don't know how much more I can take.

I prayed so hard that this time I could skip this, but it doesn't appear that is happening.  I do have my MIL staying longer than I've ever had help before, and the husband has been so sweet and patient.  If I'm not going to have this taken from me, it helps that the people around me have been strengthened to help me up.  In between those those moments where the light goes out of the world, I try to remind myself that even though it isn't the blessing I really want, at least I am being blessed.

And thank you to you.  I love all of you :)


20 comments:

Cathie said...

Tell me you're familiar with Sweet Brown. Tell me. "I got bronchitis! Ain't nobody got time for that!"

Master P said...

My thoughts exactly :)

Jane said...

I'm sorry it's so hard. I can only imagine what my body would try to do to me. This physical world is difficult.

Cathie said...

I like how everyone else leaves thoughtful, encouraging messages and I'm like, "Have you seen Latest Internet Meme?!"

Master P said...

No, now I'm kicking myself for not using a picture of that in this post. It would have totally lightened the mood :)

erika said...

I don't remember how I stumbled upon your blog but I did. I don't think I have ever commented before so here's my first. You are awesome. I can't imagine what you are going through but I do know how hard it is to have a newborn and that's plenty hard. Hang in there. You CAN do this! Sending love your way from Salt Lake!

Mary said...

I can't believe you have bronchitis! Obviously that's God piling it on to let you know that you can, in fact, handle anything. Brighter days are ahead! Always.

Teresa said...

Oxox glad you have help.

Cathie said...

I think you should join the twitters. I know, I know, you're thinking, "I don't have time for what I've already got going on!" But the thing is, it's like microblogging, so you don't have to write a whole post to get things off your chest like "I threw up WHILE chewing a mouthful of food yesterday." (TRUE STORY.) Plus it makes you feel like you're friends with funny/famous/cool people. And sometimes they even respond back. Plus you get to interact with people more often than whenever they check their Reader feed...

Morgan Hagey said...

I forbid you from driving into oncoming traffic.

FORBID it.

You're pushing through. You ARE doing IT!

Anonymous said...

.....only don't forget to sail........

Holding you up in my prayers.

Heather S. said...

Hi Reva, it's Heather from the Northpoint Singles ward. I'm probably going to say something you might already know or have heard... but this is going to be a difficult time. And it will probably really suck for a few months. BUT, one day you'll look back at this time in your life and remember how very BLESSED you were/are and that the Lord carried you through it all. Your husband has been called to be Bishop for a reason, and your partly the reason for that. He is who he is because you are his companion and mate and friend for eternity- he wouldn't have been called if you weren't as equally worthy. Because of this, you and your family will be blessed beyond measure, and everything will work out and be ok. That's not to say that there will be challenges to overcome but you can be comforted in knowing that Heavenly Father is holding your hand the whole time. You have 3 beautiful children who will help you through this with laughter and just look through the dark to their bright smiling faces. I just felt prompted to tell you that. You will rock this bishop's wife thing/ newborn stage thing/ depression potential thing. Good luck, lots of love and prayers your family's way.

Master P said...

Thanks for stopping by, it really brightened my day! And your kids are adorable :)

Master P said...

I like your perspective. I need to try and remember this :)

Master P said...

I blame this comment for at least 3 separate teary moments today, but I'm not mad. Thank you for sharing this, I'm going to come back and read it often :)

Master P said...

It's amazing how much it helps. I do feel blessed because if it!

Master P said...

You're probably right. I'm just so NOT a twitter person. Maybe it'll be my April resolution.

Master P said...

You sound like such a doula :) and thank you do much for all the encouragement. I honestly don't know how you do it with more than 3, but I'm making a conscious decision to not compare. It's not easy, but I'm trying!

Master P said...

You're anonymous doesn't fool me - you keep that creepy song to yourself!!

The Atomic Mom said...

If I could have one wish, it would be to wish you my defective boobies. Yep, they make no milk after I have a baby. I can just feel your anxiety and I wish I could take it all away from you. You can do this, remember, the Lord does not give you more than you can handle. And remember as well, our Savior suffered so that he can succor you. Lately I have been asking for succor in my own prayers for my own issues and I have felt that. I am going to pray that for you. I love you Reva, you are amazing and you will get thru this! Just keep swimming, just keep swimming!

Resolute

Back in 2015, I woke up too early one morning, tired and miserable.  I said a wee prayer for guidance to help get me out of this haze.  Cle...