Thursday, March 14, 2013

dispatches from the battle front

I am still in this body, fighting to regain the majority. But this sadness - this indescribable darkness crashes over me when I least suspect it. This is Brazil-strength PPD. I'm having these horrible flashbacks and I am still in awe that I survived that year.

Do I have another year of this? Less? More? My MIL told me her mantra today and I think I'll be borrowing it for the next while.

I. Can. Choose.

The battle is exhausting, but I still have a little power in me. And with that, I will choose to look ahead. It's really discouraging that I have to look so far away - to a date I don't know - but someday, I'll be better, have 16 arms and think to myself "I've GOT this." I don't know when, but I know it'll be sweet.


Talula Hula said...

I've been reading you for years. I think you know this. We seem to have so very little in common, but I love your writing and trust your honesty. You're one of my favorite people I've never met. I'm glad you're remembering how strong you really are. Sometimes you pretend you're not; but you are. You are because you're so honest. You're not a "fake it 'til you make it" kind of person. Especially here, you keep a level of transparency that would exhaust most normal humans. Please, keep sharing, and I promise I'll keep sending you the good vibes. And then one day you'll feel better. XOXO, Talula Hula

Talula Hula said...

Wait, I think "pretend" is the wrong word. I should have written "forget."

Master P said...

I feel the same way about you, invisible friend! Thank you for this, it popped up at exactly the right moment today.

Anonymous said...

We are all there. F, M, S, B.... All who hold each other dear. Each chair, couch, bed, nook and cranny are full; we ARE ALL in Da House! Today, this afternoon, tonight and as long as you need us - we are ALL at YOUR home.
Every SECOND, we request that no cold, no hot, no warm, no unwanted stranger nor emotions come;
For it is not often, thus around
the ole familiar hearth WE ARE found. Not in the flesh but WE REEEALLY ARE THERE and WE BATTLE WITH AND FOR YOU and TIRE NOT. WE WILL NOT RETREAT nor SLUMBER.
let gentle peace assert it’s power
and love and kindness RUUUUUle de ouwa. We truly are there every minute, every day, every month however long it is. Oh Remember, Remember. We Are all here/there.

Jane said...

Look ahead slightly more than two weeks and I'll bring you two more arms and chocolate and really funny/crazy stories and whatever else you want.

Master P said...

I'm kind of drowning in chocolate lately - I could use a vegetable or two.

The Atomic Mom said...

What can I say. I fully understand that which is PPD. Mine always come about the 6-8 month mark, and I feel like I am finally exiting a haze from having Jeffy a year ago. You can choose, even if it's to take life in 15 min increments and pray to get thru each one at a time. And I think the fact that Jared is now the bishop, you can ask for special favors from the Lord. Hang in there kiddo, we're all there with you, in spirit at least.

HEAR YE. I need to document the fact that I ran 3 miles and didn't feel like death.  So just to make sure it wasn't a fluke, I did...