Tuesday, March 26, 2013

in which i am probably too honest

I will start out by saying that I woke up feeling like I'd been hit with a very sad stick.  Though technically, since I don't sleep, it crept in sometime between 2 and 3am this morning.  I theoretically know it's just this lovely PPD demon who will be stopping by frequently, but it's hard to remember that when you're in the thick of it.

Like this morning when I was just trying to find some dark chocolate - ANY dark chocolate so I could face the day - and instead knocked over an entire baby bottle on myself and the floor.  It's hard to not have a massive pity party in a moment like that... especially when it turns out there is no dark chocolate anyway.

I'm slowly trying to accept that I have to slow down.  I can't do everything I was just starting to be able to do again since the Dude is a little older.  The problem is slowing down feels like I'm failing, giving into the darkness that wants me to stop completely   And I KNOW that's not what it means, so I don't need "buck up, you're on the Lord's errand!" pep talk, because I get that.  I honestly believe that.  There are some chemicals in my body that do not, however.

Having a baby really messes with my momentum for two years or so.  Even now, going in public with the Dude means being on high alert because he's trying to run into traffic or touch ALL THE THINGS, but I was starting to feel like a real, functioning member of society again.  I beat myself up every day that I don't have a piano lesson with WonderGirl, or a violin lesson with the Dude, or manage to make my house not look like it is inhabited by squatters.  That's my bare minimum and I can't even manage to do that!  I'm a really capable and accomplished woman, so why can't I accomplish things and be capable after having a baby?  I know I have no control over this PPD, but it likes to tell me I could if I wasn't such a lameoid.

Darn this junk.  


M said...

It's tough to go back to Square One. Especially when it's such a nasty Square. There was this game on the TI-99 called Hunt the Wumpus, and it had circles (not squares) and in one of them the Wumpus was hidden and would eat you if you made a wrong move and didn't shoot an arrow at him in time. Square One is like the Wumpus' Circle. IMO. Just not a nice place at all to be.

And I won't tell you to look on the bright side because I hate when people tell me that. I am a rational human being, and my brain functions just fine: I can SEE and UNDERSTAND in my HEAD that it's not that bad. But the heart does its own thing. You cannot lecture it. It is a defiant child, a teenager that has to come round on its own.

So I wish you well through the highs and lows and will think about you and pray for you.

Anonymous said...

You will not pass this way again...thank goodness. So be content to slow down a bit and look around. It's good you're journaling what you see & feel. You won't believe it when you try to recall it 20 years and uber accomplishments from now. Pretty unbelievable thing LIFE is. Lousy obstacles to live through...good not to forget (entirely). It'll all come in handy when you lease expect.
WWEBS (what would Erma Bombeck say). Only, maybe not at profound as WWJD, but what the heck. Go for it. Laugh a little if & when you can. This too shall pass.

Jane said...

A leash for The Dude? A camel pack for the baby? A SIL who is coming to give you a few extra hands.
Plus some dark chocolate.

The Atomic Mom said...

Oh my gracious, this is exactly how I feel/felt after I had Jeffy. I was angry that I was not 100% right away. I don't know what else to say, but just keep swimming and I'm praying for you.

HEAR YE. I need to document the fact that I ran 3 miles and didn't feel like death.  So just to make sure it wasn't a fluke, I did...