Frou Frou : Let Go I feel another contraction coming along. I was woken up by them this morning at 5am, although they went away around 6:30. I’m thinking maybe I’ll go into labor today… or soon. What an odd, ODD out of body experience… to think that tonight I could have a son. Very out of body, for a girl who never planned on any of this. You’d think I’d have some kind of control over this - my life, choosing motherhood and all that… but no, ever since I walked through the door of that party in July 2004 and walked right into SexyHusband for the first time, I’ve felt like I have been free-falling. Falling in love with him and taking the first step with him was also taking the last one… there really wasn’t any choice in the matter. I was going to fall in love with this boy, we were going to marry, have houses and kids, fights and laughter, and rocking chairs. Just like I have no choice but to give birth to this little baby at some point. I wonder if you’d explained all this to me that night 5 years ago if I would have walked into that party. There’s no way I would have really understood… and there was always something I felt missing that I don’t feel missing anymore. Nothing ever filled that void, until I was loved unconditionally by my husband and little girl. It’s a trade off I suppose - to feel complete, I have to live my life this way. I’m not complaining - just feeling… detatched from the situation at the moment. Looking at my body from the outside, trying to listen to its clues and know what I’m supposed to do now, when I’m supposed to call the hospital and when I’m supposed to breathe. And while I’m out there, looking at who I used to know and who I’m becoming… Last time I was in labor, I realized getting through contractions was remarkably like walking onto a stage to perform a solo recital. Every fiber of my being would scream “NO!! Don’t do this, it’s hard, it’s terrifying!!!” but I knew I had to, so I’d breathe, force my mind to leave my body and allow it to walk out there and do what I’d trained it to do and watch from somewhere else. I couldn’t control the situation because if I did, I’d think too much and I’d shake and it would be a disaster. So I trusted my body and left. Looking back, had I known that walking into that party would mean meeting my future husband, children, and at least 5 moves in less than 5 years (one international) - I would have to do the same thing I’m doing today. Just trust that my body can handle it and my mind will only gum up the works. All I can do is let go.

Frou Frou : Let Go

I feel another contraction coming along.  I was woken up by them this morning at 5am, although they went away around 6:30.  I’m thinking maybe I’ll go into labor today… or soon.

What an odd, ODD out of body experience… to think that tonight I could have a son.  Very out of body, for a girl who never planned on any of this.  You’d think I’d have some kind of control over this - my life, choosing motherhood and all that… but no, ever since I walked through the door of that party in July 2004 and walked right into SexyHusband for the first time, I’ve felt like I have been free-falling.

Falling in love with him and taking the first step with him was also taking the last one… there really wasn’t any choice in the matter.  I was going to fall in love with this boy, we were going to marry, have houses and kids, fights and laughter, and rocking chairs.

Just like I have no choice but to give birth to this little baby at some point.  I wonder if you’d explained all this to me that night 5 years ago if I would have walked into that party.  There’s no way I would have really understood… and there was always something I felt missing that I don’t feel missing anymore.  Nothing ever filled that void, until I was loved unconditionally by my husband and little girl.  It’s a trade off I suppose - to feel complete, I have to live my life this way.  I’m not complaining - just feeling… detatched from the situation at the moment.  Looking at my body from the outside, trying to listen to its clues and know what I’m supposed to do now, when I’m supposed to call the hospital and when I’m supposed to breathe.  And while I’m out there, looking at who I used to know and who I’m becoming…

Last time I was in labor, I realized getting through contractions was remarkably like walking onto a stage to perform a solo recital.  Every fiber of my being would scream “NO!!  Don’t do this, it’s hard, it’s terrifying!!!” but I knew I had to, so I’d breathe, force my mind to leave my body and allow it to walk out there and do what I’d trained it to do and watch from somewhere else.  I couldn’t control the situation because if I did, I’d think too much and I’d shake and it would be a disaster.  So I trusted my body and left.

Looking back, had I known that walking into that party would mean meeting my future husband, children, and at least 5 moves in less than 5 years (one international) - I would have to do the same thing I’m doing today.  Just trust that my body can handle it and my mind will only gum up the works.

All I can do is let go.