I did everything I could think of this time to try and erradicate the possibility of PPD.  I looked at all the triggers and removed them, started medication, and got help.

But again, nursing is the thing that brings me down.  I’m not doing it this time - I know how it makes my body react and I wanted to be able to love my child this time without fear of what nursing does to me chemically.  I’ve done every single remedy there is - and yet, my chest is full to the point of bursting in the most painful way possible, and just looking at my children causes let-down and all the suicidal feelings that come with it.

I wanted to be good this time.  I really, really love my children.  I want to hold them.  I want to stop crying and hurting.  I really, really wanted this time to be different.