things I've learned about parenthood

I’m going to start a new series.  I’m going to call it Things I’ve Learned About Parenthood.  Catchy, I know.  If you want to know about “real” parenthood, get one of those books by a “doctor.”  Someone who never had their child yell out in the Dollar Tree - “Mommy, what part of the body is the butt?”  like mine did today.  Oh, she knows where her butt is and she also knows that is not a nice word to go shouting out in public, even if it is Dollar Tree.  The butt was the body part she sat on while getting a talking to on the way home.  She also has a butt on her cranium, I think.  I haven’t seen it, but she can exhibit the symptoms of a person afflicted with having a butt on their head.


She is also awesome.


Anywho, here a few Things I’ve Learned About Parenthood, part one, and in no particular order:


It is not as bad as anyone says.  Yes, you will change to the point that you may not recognize yourself and your marriage will also change completely, but change is good.  Do you want to be the same person you were at 16?  I’m certainly glad I’m not.  Changing and growing is fantastic.  It’s kind of the point of this life thing.  And I don’t know about anyone else, but I sure as heck like my marriage a bazillion times better now than when we were first married.  Sure there’s trial by fire moments, but the point is you come out of them smelling like toast together.  That’s kind of awesome.


They break stuff.  So hide everything you cherish.  Seriously, WonderGirl has broken EVERY SINGLE NECKLACE AND BRACELET of mine that she has ever touched.  She broke my favorite sunglasses today.  And no amount of telling her “STOP.  STRETCHING.  THAT.”  will register the next time they touch your jewelry.  So, accept it.  It just won’t change, and hide your stuff.  Problem solved.


You will have amazing days.  Days where you are trying to grocery shop and you are playing word games and singing with your kids while walking through the aisles and they are loving it and behaving like angels, and some stranger will come up to you and tell you that you are the best mother they have ever seen and that your children and the most adorable children that have ever lived.  You will feel better than you have ever felt in your life.  And then other days you will have to leave the store holding one of those child over your shoulder while they are kicking and screaming “DON’T DO THIS TO ME, MOMMY!!!”  and everyone is looking at you, thinking that you are an abusive crack addict who has been smacking your kid around when in fact, you are the mom that said that you weren’t buying any gummy bears because said little girl just got over the stomach flu and you don’t want to give her any junk food just yet.  You will also reconsider all your life decisions up to that point and wish for the sweet release of death.  But the awesome thing is, at some point they fall asleep and wake up happy and oblivious to whatever horrible things happened earlier.  No kidding, they won’t remember anything.  They’ll go right back to thinking you are the beez kneez.  It is one of the greatest things ever invented about children.


You will feel that you look like a drowned rat.  Take pictures with you in them anyway, and stick them in photo albums.  Those cheesy scrapbooks are not necessary and your kids won’t know the difference.  They will look through them over and over and love seeing you in action with them.  And you’ll need it too.  Also, you look way hotter than you realize.


Singing.  Is important.  Not just the Wheels On The Bus, but church songs, anything, all the time.  I teach music at church to the nursery kids (ages 18 mos.-3 years) and it’s obvious which kids are sung to at home and who is not.  The ones who don’t have it in the home sit there with a glazed, dull look, but the kids who do try to move along and mouth some words of their own.  They know that this music thing is something they can participate in, and it isn’t just some thing they hear in the car.  The kids who sing with their families are by far the more well-adjusted kids in the group.


Manners are awesome, and are something you should teach to babies.  Your one year old can be polite and kind.  2 years old is too late.  More on that later, WonderGirl has tumbling class.  Where she will NOT be yelling out the word “butt.”  I hope…

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