WonderGirl came home from a birthday party last week singing a new song she'd learned - Call Me Maybe. Um... no. There are two reasons I try to avoid listening to lots of pop music - one, because I don't really like it, and two, because then WG will sing them over and over and over and over. I swear, she'd heard that song once and knew all the lyrics already. I know, not difficult.
It's not that I'm a hipster - I'm just picky about what goes into my ears. I think a masters in music grants me that, right? So here are the things lately that I would like to please stop happening:
Country music. STOP. IT.
- Most female pop singers are vapid puppets. As a woman, I'd like them to start acting like one, and as a musician, they need a class or 2. If it took 12 people to write your hit that repeats "baby" or "ooooOOOooo" for most of the song, you need to be schooled. Rubbing yourself on stage and/or wearing only your underwears in public does not make up for a complete lack of tone and pitch. Auto tune can only do so much. At least do the decency to stop calling yourself a singer or musician, and just stick with calling yourself an entertainer. You need classes in that too.
- Nickelback. We've discussed this before. STOP.IT.
- Misogynistic men who sing about sexing random women. As a woman, that just grosses me out. Go see a doctor about that burning. And if it isn't a random woman, I don't want to hear about it. If you feel the need to declare how great a lover you are in your "music," then you are definitely overcompensating. Again, I suggest a doctor.
- Soprano saxophonists. I get it, it's hard to play. That still doesn't make any of us want to hear it.
- I don't know who Lady Gaga is, but she should probably just stop it too.
- I finally heard a song by Mackelmore yesterday and I didn't get past the first 30 seconds.
- Wind Symphonies. Guys, you are good. Really good. Amazing musicians. If you just added a few string sections, you'd be boss! I'm sorry, but every time I hear one, I'm like - when are violins coming in? I know, I'm a jerk. I'm also a violinist.
- Oldies. I love the classics, but there was a lot of junk that was written back in the day too, just like now. I stick to the few Goldies. A diet of only 80s music would make me angry and nauseous.
We do listen to a lot of music around the house. The kid's playlist includes a bunch of Muppets, some Ting Tings, some Golgol Bordello, some Weezer, Carmina Burana and you haven't lived until you've seen the Dude marching around the house singing Go Down, Moses by the Lower Lights. That's educational stuff, right?
I like Noah and the Whale, but really only from their First Days of Spring record. I love Andrew Bird, but only for a little bit. It gets me too sedate. And I like Brahms but if I had to choose, I'd spend my time on some Sibelius or Prokofiev. I'm very sad that I just recently got into the Penguin Cafe Orchestra and they will never record another album again, what with the death of their founder back in the 90s. Poop. I also think I OD'd on Imagine Dragons. I think we need a break.
I was trying to explain to WG why I didn't like songs like Call Me Maybe because they make me physically ill but she didn't get it. So the husband explained that music like that was like fast food. It doesn't last and too much of it can make you sick. And fat. I thought that was brilliant, but then he shared What Does the Fox Say with them and after one listening the Dude can quote most of it and does. Constantly. But at least it's not Katy Perry.
There's this song on the husband's playlist that I didn't appreciate until he told me what the lyrics were and how it was based on an actual event. It's one of my favorite 42 second songs ever.
WG is currently dancing around Sara Bareilles' Brave. I approve. If she's going to quote something ad nauseum, I'd rather it be about being a strong person and not about how the fox goes NANANANANANANANANA. Although she's going to sing that too.