This entry is the reason women blog. To release!!!! Ignore if you are having an off day and don't need to bother with another person's mutterings:)

I try to keep my pregnancy gripes to a minimum - since it does no good to dwell on the blah when there is a bigger YAY about.  I’m not really complaining here, just feeling a bit off.

When SexyHusband and I were foolishly trying to plan out when to add to our family of 3, one big consideration was the cold.  Last year around this time, I went to a doctor and tried to get some help - I was so cold and miserable, some days I would be cooped up on the couch all day, watching WonderToddler play and physically and mentally unable to get up. 

“I know there’s something wrong,” I told the doctor.  “I’m not lazy, I just can’t bring myself to move!”

“Hmmm,” said the wise MD.  “Do you ENJOY your days on the couch?”

“No!”  I said.  “I’m miserable and guilty and conflicted the whole time!”

“Then that, is not lazy, that my dear, is depression.  If you were lazy, you’d be enjoying doing nothing.”

It made sense.  It’s been my personal demon for years - sometimes I thought I had a handle on it, sometimes it had a handle on me, and most of the time I needed someone on the outside to tell me when things were bad because I just can’t see from in here.  And, like any illness, you can’t just ignore it and hope it goes away.  So we took care of it, and the last year has been a good one.

Except then I got pregnant when I didn’t expect it - and now I am completely off any medication to help me, and it’s freeeezing outside.  Turns out the lack of warmth and sunlight REALLY does a number on me.  I’m holed up on the couch again, unable to move and frustrated, only this time add nausea, insomnia and exhaustion, and growing-a-kid-in-there pain.   SH has stepped in and has been supportive, not judgemental of all the time I spend in bed or on the floor, and has been the awesome father he always is.

But dang it, I feel horrible.  I know it wears on him just like it wears on me.  I look at our home which has been trashed by our raging 2 year old and I want to tidy it - to feel some kind of order and sense in my life, but when I get up I get woozy and sick.  The only cure that I can take right now as a pregnant extrovert is someone to come and talk to me and play with me.  I get my energy from other people, and all this alone time saps it right out.    But I feel awful inviting friends over because they have kids - which REALLY drain me, and then I am even MORE useless than before.

I just can’t wait to see and FEEL the sun again!  I do take solace in the fact that at least I realize what is going on.  But dagnabit, I want to feel normal again!

So to sum up - I know that this is a physical condition, I’m not allowing my thoughts to turn negative despite the slowdown in my body (which is taking quite a bit of strength, actually) and I’m comforted that this WILL end at some point.  Just gotta be patient in the mean time….