mommy 1.0 vs mommy 3.0

It's Monday and I have nothing to write but feel like I should.  I think NaBloPoMo is going to be a big help this year - I'll have to find a way to mix my mommy-ing in with my blogging.  Because those two things are so vitally important.  Hrm... I was going for sarcasm in that last sentence but it's kind of true.

The other day I was thinking about hose early days of parenting.  A lot of you were there for that - blogging through post partum depression, Brasil, and my complete lack of knowledge of basic child care.  I look back and I tear up almost every time.  How did I survive it?  It was so dark.

Years ago as I was driving myself through the New Mexico desert to start grad school in Arizona,  the transmission blew up in my car and I was stranded.  I had a cell phone but no reception, and was terrified.  I looked at the oncoming traffic next to me and it was all I could do to not jump in front of it.  I was blessed by some angels in the form of a family of strangers and learned a lot that day about prayer and faith.  But whenever things get bad I remember how rational it seemed to step in front of a moving truck, and how close I was.  That first year of WonderGirl's life was like that, for the most part.  I tried to enjoy her and love mothering, but I was almost always just a few steps away from giving up in the worst way.  The fact that both WG and I survived is nothing short of a miracle to me.

But that year felt like 10.  Every day was a looming mountain to climb.  You know how some people say they look back and it's all a blur to them?  It still feels like it was 10 years.  Now we're hitting blur-time, and I understand what people mean.  I'm not a natural, but I've gotten pretty good at this.  Thing 3 hit the mom lottery, while poor WG got a clueless, sobbing hack.

But then again, I hit the kid lottery.  I was bumbling along but because she has huge brains, she figured out most things without needing adult intervention.  Then the Dude has a mini-mom who practices reading and piano and violin with him while I'm tending Thing 3.  These kids seriously rock despite my best efforts to ruin their childhoods.

So now we've got this angel of a baby and in the blink of an eye, he's gone from being born to scooting across the floor in a desperate effort to lick daddy's electric bass.  I wish this time could feel like a snail's pace.

PS:  I started this on Monday.  It's now Tuesday.  See what I mean about time going so fast I can hardly keep anything straight?

good morning?

Y'all.  Yesterday this happened.

FIRST GRADE.  I was such a mess I threw up at 4am. Well, it was either that or a mess of medications I'd taken, but whatever.  The husband prepacked her lunch with a sweet card, gave me a blessing and had dinner marinating the night before.  Because he knows me.  And is awesome.

I survived yesterday, but it was hard.  I loved all my boy time, but I missed my sunshine all day.  This summer, I soaked up the WonderGirl time and made every day count.  It was amazing.  Thank heavens the Dude was still home - he doesn't start 4K until next week and I predict I'll spend Monday sobbing and snuggling Thing 3 until his ears pop off.

But that's next week.  I woke up this morning around 4:30am and couldn't get back to sleep.  I really, REALLY did not want to take WG to school today.  I didn't want the throw up again so I decided I'd go downstairs and do some photo editing to cheer me up - and then I discovered I'd accidentally deleted a weeks worth of pictures off the computer and SD card.  Y'all know me about pictures.  I document EVERY.DAY.  I started really freaking out, so I decided to try a last ditch effort to calm myself down by blogging, and found the N key was missing.  You can't type END or DEVASTATION or FREAKING without the N.  At this point I was ready to hide under the bed in the fetal position and cry all day, but I figured it was more productive to cry in the shower instead.

The husband was still home and listened to my sob story.  By the end of my shower, he had a recovery program sweeping the card for the deleted files and gave me a new keyboard and a kiss.  I still want to spend the day crying, but I'll manage to do that while doing other stuffs and not hiding under the bed.  How can a girl be sad with a husband like this??  Oh, and he restocked my emergency chocolate supply.  Sorry ladies - this guy is alll mine.

Now the only thing wrong is a massive zit on my chin.  But in light of everything else I've gone through this morning, I think I shall overcome.  

one week

One more week.  It's started getting dark by the time the kids go to sleep and the Dude keeps asking when he gets to go to school.  He's riiight on the cut-off date so I could easily keep him out this year, but for now he's just chomping at the bit to get in there and get going.  How rude, right?

I haven't been posting very much because I've hated taking too much time off for myself - even for blogging.  I will have time next week.  Which angers me, but once I do have a few free moments to do exotic stuff like vacuum I'll be okay.  I have loved every single day of this summer and watching my kids grow together.  This year I had two actual kids - not a kid and a toddler - so we could do actual things.  Really awesome fun things with water and glue and swimsuits.  It only took me 7 years to get to this point.

Seriously, all I want to do is wax poetic and moan and groan about how school is going to steal my precious children and they are growing up too fast and somehow blame everything on the Skull and Bones society.

Instead, can I just take a moment and expound on how awesome it is to be a Mormon?  It's fabulous to live life with the knowledge of WHY I'm here and where I'm going.  I look up into the sky and think about all the planets and galaxies and massive stars out there and how we are these simple people on one small planet who have evolved to care about important things like who got cast as the new Batman.

I can't look at what we are here, and what is out there and think we are the product of some random chemical reaction.  If we were, I would be even MORE ashamed of the fact that reality TV exists.  I mean, if we were the only people to ever be in this great universe, and we used this amazing gift to focus on what Real Housewife did to the other one... well, it would crush me.  Instead, I know we are part of this amazing, huge plan and have been given the free agency to do nutty things like professional eating and killing each other over ideological differences.  Which is not as depressing with the knowledge that this isn't all there is.  Life is just one stop on our journey.

That's what keeps me going and gives me hope.  I love knowing.

cut . it . out .

I was seriously sick of my super long hair that was just the right length for Thing 3 to yank. Hard. But if I go to get my hairs cut, I want to do something new and fun, and for now I have no ideas. So I asked the husband to trim the scraggly ends. Which means something entirely different to the two of us. Anyway, this happened:

crazy train

I'm not a year and a half into this take-a-picture-every-day thing and though I've learned more about my camera, I'm still totally in the dark about editing.  I thought I'd share a bit of the trainwreck process with you.

 "Okay, this picture looks good.  I'll edit that one."

 "Maybe I'll crop it in closer and brighten up our faces."

 "Maybe I'll use some retro filter."

 "Or sepia.  Everything looks cooler in sepia."

 "Hrm... back to the original and I'll up the saturation.  More color I say!"

 "Or no color at all.  Wait, where did my nose go?"

"Aw, screw it."

black

Am I the only one who has trouble picking out an outfit to wear to a funeral? I don't know if all black is just cliché or so cliché that it's inappropriate, especially if I'm not related to the deceased. So this was my compromise this morning.

It wasn't one of those funerals where they lived a long healthy life and had a pile of grandchildren and it feels like a lovely culmination of a journey. I sat next to the deceased's 6 year old daughter and heard her baby sister behind me and prayed for strength the entire time. For all of us, for the rest of our earthly journeys.

This life thing is not for amateurs.

aaaand we're back

Mom went home yesterday.  I'm not being melodramatic when I say that his is the worst thing in the history of stuff.  Well, maybe not that bad, but I miss her so much it hurts.  We totally rocked these last two weeks though.

We had Dad for a week too and that was super awesome.

There are so many awesome things about this picture I can't even start.

But then he went home.  Which totally stinks.  But then Mom and I had a lovely week where we mostly just cleaned and taught the kids violin and piano.  And mom snuggled the heck out of Thing 3.

And also regaled us with unbelievable stories from their adventures in China.  With accompanying swag, of course.

Now all I'm left with are wonderful memories, cool presents from China and a much cleaner house.  Lame.

We moved the love seat for a wee recital we had with some friends and HOLY SNAP I LOVE MY HOUSE NOW.  I had no idea I was feeling boxed in and claustrophobic, but now I'm dancing all over this place.  SO MUCH SPAAAAAAACCCEEEE!!!

And I'm stuck snuggling this angel.  My arm here is the best pillow in town.

I know I've got another whole month of summer yet, but the temperature just dove from the 90s into the 60s for some strange reason (the kids are still outside playing in the sprinkler though.. weirdos) and there's this awful voice in the back of my head telling me this magic, wonderful summer will end far sooner than I want and I'll have to let school rip them from me.  Nope, not melodramatic here at all.

But no regrets - I'm enjoying every second of all of this.  And trying to help the husband enjoy a tad, but he's had it rough.  He is in the midst of putting together a funeral for a father of a young family - no light fluff here.  This bishop thing is not for amateurs, and yet...  I heard that amazing Jeffery R. Holland quote this morning and it made me laugh even harder than the first time:

So be kind regarding human frailty—your own as well as that of those who serve with you in a Church led by volunteer, mortal men and women. Except in the case of His only perfect Begotten Son, imperfect people are all God has ever had to work with. That must be terribly frustrating to Him, but He deals with it. So should we.

Side note - while looking around for that quote I stumbled on this and giggled some more:

In an attempt to help things along yesterday, I thought I'd make brownies for some of the people he had to go visit.  It wasn't pretty.  Aside from bread and melted cheese, I should not be allowed anywhere near the kitchen.  He's just going to have to deal with moral support from this corner.  Unless any of you want to mail me treats that I can pass off as my own... just email me for my address and also include extra chocolate for good measure.  Or just blog so I can have something interesting to look at on the internets.

Love you, internets!!

another happy post. that's kind of weird I guess.

The kids earned up enough warm fuzzies (our family currency) by doing chores and music lessons and what-not, so they were able to pick their own reward.  Popcorn and cotton candy for lunch at the circus??  Heck yes.

It as been crazy town over here.  There is a sad situation with a family in the ward involving a terminally ill parent that is just hard all around.  The husband has been back and forth, trying to manage things on the bishop side of things while a few mothers in the ward have been babysitting and it has been... stressful. Tonight he and I had a date planned but cancelled it because he hasn't had a chance to spend a lot of time with the kids lately, but the situation has taken a turn for the worst and he down in Madison at the hospital while I am home alone with the sleeping kids.

And all I can think is how thankful I am.  How blessed we have been these last few months.  Thing 3 is 4 months old now and at that point with WonderGirl and The Dude, I was still fighting depression and anxiety and homesickness and everything else that comes with moving in your last trimester.  This time around I can literally feel angels surrounding me, lifting me up.  The stress of having a husband become a bishop less than a week after giving birth was not what I'd planned on (and believe you me, there are days I feel spread thin) but instead of the typical mania surrounding baby-ing, I feel BLESSED.  The Dude is turning 4 next month and he still wakes up almost every night screaming, but Thing 3 has been sleeping through the night off and on since the beginning.  He is so perfectly sweet and happy and even when there is the insanity of being very out-numbered, I fall more in love with them every second.  The blessings just don't quit. 

Okay, maybe I'm gushing.  But I have been through very dark valleys when it came to having babies, and I am walking around on level ground amazed at all the sunlight around me.  Is this what it is like for normal people to have babies??  I can see why some people have 11.

Have I mentioned 8 or 9 times how much I am loving this summer??  We wake up, have breakfast, do chores and music then play every day.  The kids play in the sprinkler in the afternoon and in between the occasional tantrum, are thick as thieves.  I only wish the husband could enjoy a little of it.  Between work and bishop-ing he hasn't had as much of a chance to play with the kids as he wishes.  It hurts my heart a little.  Because of the emergency this evening, he missed this:

Although last night when we were trying to unwind after a crazy evening, the Dude came up to the husband and asked him for a snuggle - and he was on the couch in a flash, hugging the heck out of him.  Who could resist that child?  His eyes are the size of hubcaps.

And if all this happy wasn't enough, TOMORROW MY MOM IS COMING TO VISIT!!!!  After an entire year of China, she is back and ours for 2 whole weeks!!!!!

I promise, if all this gushiness is annoying, at least you can take solace in the fact that I take not a single iota for granted.  I'm so grateful for this season of blessings.

in which i talk about vomiting in a good way

Thing 3 is a seriously happy thing.  He craves faces and when he can get a smile, he belly laughs and spazes out.  His legs kick like CRAZY.  When he is super happy, he spits up.  While smiling.  Or he jams his hand in his mouth and gnaws on it like it's the last cookie on earth.  He gets so happy he THROWS UP.  Or tries to EAT HIMSELF.  This kid is so hard core.

When I started dating the husband and we both had those first terrifying butterflies, we were a mess.  The husband actually did throw up, and I just walked around like a jittery idiot.  You really can be so happy you get sick.

Some mornings (like today) I feel crazy and so excited for the kids to wake up I can't stand it.  Indeed, I love them so much I want to puke.  That is LOVE.  Some day when my children tell me they think they've found The One, I will ask them - do they make you want to throw up?

Don't marry someone who doesn't make you nauseous.

announcement

I just put on some pre-baby jeans and there was ... drumroll please....

No muffin top!!!

I had two cups of ice cream for dinner last night. Healthy eating is laaaaame. I am the champion, my frieeeennndsss and I will keep eating and not exercising till the eeeeeennndd!!

PS I mean no disrespect to those of you who do eat right and exercise. I'm too lazy to do so and you are in fact, better humans than me. I'm not going to cry about that though because I had no muffin top today!!! Woohoo!!

i am not angry

Goodness, I am LOVING this summer.  Sure, I get puked on regularly and tantrums abound, but the sun, the open mornings, the SUN.  Awesomesauce.

I'm just twitterpated with these humans.  If I was going to have to try this parenting thing, I'm SO glad the Big Guy Upstairs ordered me up the coolest kids ever.

And dude, I went and did something interesting!  One of my favorite bands is the Polyphonic Spree and it just so happens that I have TWO college buddies playing in it right now.  So when they did a show 3 hours away, I HAD to go.

It was AMAZING.  Seriously, such an incredible show.  And it was even cooler being 10 feet from one of my best friends playing his brains out on the fiddle.  I was very tempted to shove him off the stage and take his place, but I resisted.  Go me!

Of course, since it was in Chicago and the USA has no mandated paternity leave, the husband's vacation days are very slim, so we drove home after the show and since his job is on the way and a whole hour still from home, he just slept the last few hours in his car at work.  We have BARELY recovered.  We are just too old for this stuff.  TOTALLY WORTH IT.  Ugh, such a fantastic show!!!  My soul seriously was nourished.  The arrangements - the musicality - the love!  So fabulous!

I kind of want to go all Dead Head and follow them all over this tour.  

And then yesterday was the 4th of July so I did up WonderGirl's nails all patriotic and then went ahead on mine.  

I read some tutorials on getting good fireworks shots and had a fun time trying them out.  the best advice I got was to have the camera on a super long exposure and in between every burst,  hold a black piece of paper over the lens so the sky stays dark and you have a whole bunch of explosions in one take even though they happened over a 30 second period.

Seriously, if I could live in summer forever with these kids just as they are, I would be a happy camper.