Joke of the Day

Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Three. Two to fill the bathtub with clocks, and one to set the giraffe on fire

(via: thedailywhat, ooliquidnightoo)

High-End Fashion of the Day: “The Moustache Ring” by Melanie Favreau

I think this could give my life some serious meaning, don’t you??

[(via barbiefaced:thedailywhat:via.)]

John Hiatt : Have a Little Faith In Me* We interrupt my usual freaking and complaining to gloat. Toot my horn. For I was a Good Mom today. I know, WonderToddler herself was a little weirded out by it too. There was the park, the healthy lunch (carrots were actually consumed!! I KNOW!!) a nap, then the pool since she was boiling, followed by dinner (no carrots, but there were some for lunch so I wasn’t going to push the envelope), playing and reading books (educational ones!!), Girls Night (Elmo video and popcorn), bath, snuggles and songs and snoozin’. I even managed to teach a few violin lessons in there. Like 4. I was a Good Mom. There’s just something so awesome about like 2 year-old kisses, 2 year-old hugs (like the one she gave me right out of the bath beFORE I’d dried her off), and 2 year-old declarations of love and thanks - oodles and oodles of “You’re my beeest friend, Mommy!” I think I’m contractually required to have a good day like this every now and then to keep me trying at this. So the song is a little reminder to me today that I’m meant to do this. You’re meant to do what you do. We are in this together, and we’re allowed to have good days in the middle of the crazy. We’re GOOD. * Thanks Pascal for the KILLER music collection.

John Hiatt : Have a Little Faith In Me*

We interrupt my usual freaking and complaining to gloat.  Toot my horn.  For I was a Good Mom today.

I know, WonderToddler herself was a little weirded out by it too.

There was the park, the healthy lunch (carrots were actually consumed!!  I KNOW!!) a nap, then the pool since she was boiling, followed by dinner (no carrots, but there were some for lunch so I wasn’t going to push the envelope), playing and reading books (educational ones!!), Girls Night (Elmo video and popcorn), bath, snuggles and songs and snoozin’.  I even managed to teach a few violin lessons in there.  Like 4.  I was a Good Mom.

There’s just something so awesome about like 2 year-old kisses, 2 year-old hugs (like the one she gave me right out of the bath beFORE I’d dried her off), and 2 year-old declarations of love and thanks - oodles and oodles of “You’re my beeest friend, Mommy!” 

I think I’m contractually required to have a good day like this every now and then to keep me trying at this. 

So the song is a little reminder to me today that I’m meant to do this.  You’re meant to do what you do.  We are in this together, and we’re allowed to have good days in the middle of the crazy.  We’re GOOD.

* Thanks Pascal for the KILLER music collection.

fsshhhhhhhhh

SH is currently on a plane to Houston for an interview, as well as dangerously close to getting an offer for a job in the Middle Of Nowhere in Wisconson, so I am a mass of nerves and freaking out.  This seems like a good time for a stream of consciousness entry, donchathink?

I realized my I am so freaked out by my pregnancy weight gain. 

The bigger my torso gets (especially these 2 huge balloons on my chest), the smaller my head looks.

No, getting bigger hair doesn’t help.

Yes, I tried it.

Why does my daughter scream and holler every time I suggest she go potty, yet if I do tackle her and get her on the hot seat, she goes like a champ?

I don’t think that’s potty training.

Well, I guess she’s training ME.

Why is she so fine with sitting in her own filth?

I’m not.

Well, I’m okay with living in the messiest abode ever since I do not have the ability to clean - just not my own …. output.

That makes me a good person I think, if you lower the standards of what a good person is.

On another note, I think I have to retire from teaching violin lessons.

Telling a little child again I am leaving and they have to find another teacher is the crummiest experience - it is seriously up there with getting punched in the face.

Worse than packing, and I HATE packing.

Maybe if my head didn’t look like some creepy shrunken artifact I’d be in better spirits today.

Bless Elmo for distracting WT enough for me to be able to type this.

Although in addition to watching Sesame Street, she is engaged in dancing around the room with my underwear.

That’s weird.

You know what else is weird?

She LOVES Finding Nemo, but has no problem with watching the penguins on the TV eating fish right now.

It’s not like it’s a Fillet-O-Fish so she doesn’t know what it is, it looks like the penguins are eating Nemo.

Elmo is ending.

I should probably put on some pants right now.

I really can’t wait for these giant floatational devices on my chest deflate so I can wear normal clothes again.

Yes, I’ll probably complain about that too.

That annoys me about myself too.

Also, my big nose.

That ain’t deflating any time soon.

Although, if my nose got bigger, maybe it would make my head look less shrunken-head-ish.

How does one do that?

Sounds like I have something on my agenda for the day, nose embiggening!

It’s nice to have a purpose in life.

Sitting at home alone, waiting for SH to come home from the airport and an interview up north - and finishing up High Fidelity on my DVR.  Every time I watch it, I’m hit by how fabulous the writing really is.  Kudos for TV edits, John Cusak monologues, and Jack Black being Jack Black (bless him).

It’s taking my mind off the interviews, and the fact that none of them are here.  Thank heavens for TV, I’d be going out of my mind.

 my apologies. (via overflowing)

heeheeheehee.

How bad is it that my latest hobby is responding to the question “When are you due?” with an akward pause and “… Um, I’m not preganant…”.

I tell them the truth eventually, but that look of horror they get - you just can’t buy that kind of entertainment. I’m soooo bad.

motherhood ruins your life... in the nicest way possible.

But it does, nonetheless.  Gone are relaxing… well, anythings.  And if I DO get something nice and relaxing, I feel horribly guilty because that means I am without my child and that means someone else is being subjected to her terror-like ways.  I love her energy, I do, but not being able to hold a conversation, sit at a dinner table or go pick up milk from the grocery store without stopping her from shrieking or flailing about like a drugged up monkey - it drains you after a while.

I miss my body, too.  I know pregnancy is “beautiful”, but I hate all the acne I can’t control, and feeling so fat that even maternity clothes don’t fit.  And only having 3 options for outfits because I don’t own many maternity clothes as it is… where’s the fun in getting dressed?

Oh, and let’s not forget that I have this magical power that every time I get pregnant, my husband loses his job.

So I’ve come to the conclusion that motherhood just ruins your life.  It builds itself back together again - but in a totally different way.  You just have to be okay with this new normal.  And my normal is about to get rocked again - in approximately 82 days.   Curses.

Sorry if your invitation to this pity party got lost in the mail ;)

I saw this on PostSecret today and thought of my ever-loving-Ska-ing husband.

ug.

2 days in the car, and I finally threw up for the first time on my pregnancy.  I miss home, but I’m back at home… strange feeling.

Dear ATL,

We’ve grown fond of you. But we also know we need a steady paycheck to keep our wild lifestyle going. I don’t mean to be throwing around threats, but husband has been getting multiple interviews from other big cities. We don’t want to cheat on you or anything, and seeing as I finally have friends here, could you get off you duff and give us a job in your fair city? Okay, thanks!

the opposite of love

is not hate.  It’s indifference. 

There’s no place like home… Isn’t it a weird feeling, coming back to the place where you were a preteen and covered in acne, but now you are a pregnant mother with a husband and toddler in tow? Still covered in acne, thank you for that, fetus.

Feels goooood to be home.

Kansas. Never. Stops.

Helloooo Kansas… For the next 400+ miles…

Here’s looking at you from the St. Louis Zoo

View from the road: less than 200 miles from Saint Louie, the first stop on our trip. Thank heavens for DVD players, XBoxes and iPhones :)

So if you were unemployed and it occured to you that you had NOTHING on your schedule and instead of making it drive you nuts, you decide to hop in the car and drive for 2 days to go visit your mommy because you CAN,

what would you bring along to keep the toddler this happy?

and while the toddler is happily engaged with that, what do you bring along t make YOU happy that won’t make your 6-month-preggo-self carsick? 

Pride and Prejudice: The Facebook Newsfeed version

You knew someone was eventually going to do it.  Hilarious.

Okay internets, I need your help. Above is my quickly depleting concealer, and I’m at a loss as what to get when it’s gone. All I really need to cover ( besides the lovely pregnancy gift known as “beard of zits”) are my toddler-induced undereye circles. For most of my face, I use Bare Minerals, but that’s no match for the caverns under my eyeballs. I’m desperate here, I need something that’s not cakey and will keep me from wanting to rip my own face off every time I look in the mirror. What do you use??

It amuses me to no end that my brother is turning into my dad.

They both love driving mom crazy too.

Happy Mother’s Day to moms, insane people, and future moms.

duh, 2 year-old style

Batman’s greatest villain.

So worthy of a HAPPY FRIDAY post :)

(via bunkercomplex) 

The top picture above is of the amazing Death Cab concert last night.  Great seats, great date, and I was blown away by the effortless musicality of the individual band members.  I did find it amusing that the bass player moved around like he was in a punk band - totally did NOT expect that, but it was forgiven because 1. He was awesome and 2. His tush was cute.

The picture just below it was my view most of the night - I’m pretty sure that guy was the Tallest Man In The World.  It didn’t mar the night though, I just thought it was funny. 

Tonight, a friend is having a bachelorette party and I will get to go and hang out and talk with actual human in-the-flesh females.  I am so excited, I might soil myself.  Except WonderToddler did that already today, so I’ll just leave it at that.

preg.nant.

Gah, I just watched the Scrubs finale and because I am so painfully pregnant…. 6 months along and we’re still unemployed, joyjoy, I am also painfully emotional.  So I BAWLED the entire last 10 minutes - minus a few there, I HAD to fast-forward because it was getting ridiculous.  I get mad when stuff is just that sappy, it’s like they are picking me, weak antelope out of the herd, and punching me in the face.  Because I am such an easy target right now.

I feel emotionally assaulted.  There would be a

* WARNING - Pregnant or new mothers should not watch this because it will make you cry like a baby and for crying out loud, you have ENOUGH to cry about right now in real life so wasting any more moments of emotional stability on stuff like this will actually make you HURT.  Just sayin. *

on stuff like that.  Happy, sappy stuff.  Jerks.

I Am Doing Something Cool Right Now

A rare occurance, so I is super jazzed. We’re at a Death Cab show!! I do not look like a hipster what with my limited hideous maternity wardrobe, but I assure you, I am a hipster tonight. A hipster who is blogging on her iPhone during the crappy opening band.

I wonder what hipster music does to a fetus? We’ve seen what Celtic music can do… I’ll let you know in 4 months.

I’m briefly cool!!! giggles silently, quite un-hipster-like

Kiss

That ain’t right .. 

(via ooliquidnightoo) 

I want a PARADE. or at least some cake.

This weekend I was a Good Person.  I played violin in a small orchestra for a church thing, reminding me how I detest playing in orchestras.  But I did it.  Because they needed someone.  Because I am a Good Person.

Then, in church, there was a nice lady sitting in front of me with 2 small kids that couldn’t sit still, and the poor lady was at her wit’s end.  So I took them to the nursery so she could sit peacefully through sacrament meeting.  That’s right - I watched OTHER PEOPLE’S CHILDREN.  Because I am a Good Person.

And today, I traveled to play violin in a friend’s grandfather’s funeral somewhere south of Atlanta.  I didn’t know the deceased, but I was planning on sitting though the service out of respect for the family after I played at the beginning and all that.  Because I am a Good Person.

But I have this problem - you know how some people faint at the sight of blood?  I cry if I see other people cry.  And I was at a funeral.  Crying people.  Like this pregnant woman NEEDS any excuse to cry.  I really, really planned on sitting through the service…. out of respect and all that.  But when the first speaker got up and started her talk by talking about the time her teenaged son died, I knew I needed to get out.  I slipped out the back, eyes full of tears for no good reason.

I’m still a Good Person, I did play my song and all that.  But I could really use some cake.  A parade.  Maybe I’ll just blog about what a good person I am and then y’all can tell me how awesome I am.  Seriously, an ORCHESTRA, OTHER PEOPLE’S CHILDREN, and a FUNERAL??!!

Dang I’m a Good Person.

i play BIG in middle schools

Yesterday, yours truly was the keynote speaker (okay, the only one) at the afforementioned middle school Career Day - for how to be a professional violinist.  Mostly, I played violin a lot and showed off all the tricks I have to have to be able to play any style.  Nope, didn’t wear my vinyl pants like I am wont to do when I’m trying to make people think I’m awesome, I wore the only stuff that fits - REALLY Mormon-looking maternity Sunday wear.  I looked dowdy, as I have since the day my belly started sticking out.  My pregnant clothes suck. 

I played okay.  I still can bring the funk with my fiddle, regardless of how UNfunk my exterior looks.  And there were numerous requests for autographs.  Seriously.

Happy Friday!!

(via barbiefaced,iamjesse,krby,chittybang)