Monday, August 31, 2009



(via Pusipher Predilections)



(via theyahooanswers)


HAHAHAHA - my favorite part is the Additional Details - “i’m NOT missing the ending, i already had to miss the homecoming dance because of this babby.


 HAHAHAHA.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Friday, August 28, 2009

the process

Looking over my past entries, it just occured to me that I have been a poor blogger.  I post a picture of my newborn and I, and then go straight into the transition period crazies and jump right into my new life and all that.  Many of my fair readers are friends who have been appraised of my schedule via Facebook or calls, but for everyone else, there are many, many holes.  So, without further ado - as many deets as I can share before the manchild wakes up and WT gets bored with her crayons:


Sunday night (the 16th - has it already been almost 2 weeks?!) I started getting painful contractions around 10pm, but I’ve had ‘em before and didn’t know if they were linked to anything.  After a few hours of fitful sleep, I woke up in pain and decided I needed to start timing these suckers.  But, being blind as a bat, I couldn’t see the clock so I had to grab my glasses - problem was, I couldn’t find them and I was grunting in pain as I felt my way around our bedroom in the dark, thereby waking up SexyHusband.  He wanted to know what I was doing and I gasped out my plan, and then told me to put on some clothes and call the hospital.  “No!” I said.  “I have to time them and see if they are close enough!”


“I hate to break it to you, but you’re having a baby.  Now.  Let’s go.”  It’s handy to have a husband at times like this when the brain isn’t running at full speed.


So, we braved the 1 mile commute to the hospital (small town, remember?) at 2am and were ushered in through the emergency room by a cheerful nurse who greeted us by name.  I couldn’t recall her, but she informed us she was our neighbor - I met her once, but what with the grunting, couldn’t think straight.  Again, this small town thing just kills me.


We were the only people in the birthing center, with the lone nurse and my amazing midwife.  The lights were low and SH was coaching me through every contraction with the lamaze breathing thing we’d learned from a single viewing of a DVD 3 years ago that has proven quite successful for me.  The nurse and midwife commented on what a fantastic team we were and wondered if we’d taken a class or something to be so prepared.  Nope, take that Bradley crackas.  Heh.


I have to admit, when it comes to labor, SH is the most amazing husband.  He’s at my side the entire time, face in mine, focused and supporting.  Keeping me focused on the breathing and giving support along the way, but mostly the focus thing.  It’s all about me - the doctors are there for the baby, but he’s there for me.  It makes me fall crazier in love with him, it does.


So, at the 2am time, they informed me I was 5cm and expected some time before baby made his entrance.  But man, when my body decides to have a baby, it goes for it gung-ho, none of this sitting around, taking its sweet time.  Before I could get the epidural - which is a must - they needed to do some bloodwork to make sure my platele count was high enough.  By the time they woke someone up to do that and they got their tests done (which was only about 3am, but still) I was 8cm and the midwife broke the news that there might not be time for that epidural - and THAT’S when I started crying.  I’d hit the point where the pain was more than me breathing could cover and I wanted RELIEF, dagnabit.


Now,some people out there get a high from natural childbirth, and more power to ‘em, but I’m not one of them.  I have a friend who told me she goes without medication to prove to herself she can and to give herself a ego boost.  I have nothing to prove to the world on that account - I’ve done my proving - I want pain medication!!  After explaining this not-as-delicately to my midwife, she hurried that anesthesiologist in there.  I think they had to wake him up too, poor guy.  No pity here, though.


He told me it was a smaller dose since I was so far along and I had 2 hours before it wore off - so I made a deadline of 5:30am to evict this kid.  After a few contractions where I only felt it on one side of my body as the epidural worked its way through my system, I was set and SO thankful for modern medicine.  I almost enjoyed myself the rest of labor, honestly :)


I pushed and pushed and pushed and by 5:12, I had my little boy.  The relief of him being pushed out (as opposed to taken out like last time - no c-section, but the Brasilian doctors were impatient and sped things along), and the weight of it all hit me and I started crying and they put him right on my chest - very different from my last experience - but it was very, very cool.  SH and I just cried and smiled for a while - I loved how the nurse and midwife stepped back and gave us a moment.  It’s so blasted cool to be there with your sweetheart and know this little creature is straight from heaven and YOURS.  There were a lot of “I love yous” and all that mushiness.  It was also kind of funny when the midwife asked if he wanted to cut the cord, and he looked like she had four heads and said “no, that’s YOUR job…”  His job was to be there for me, and he was.  Dang, I gots me a good one.


And then I had a few nice days in the hospital before coming home and going insane.  But you know all about that.


Now, the issue is that his umbilical cord stump fell off at some point in the last few days, but I don’t know where or when.  Kind of creepy to know that’s floating around the house…

Wednesday, August 26, 2009



Sesame Street is a religion around here. Thanks to the captivating personas of the muppets, I got a shower the last 3 days. If you want more pics, scope out Jane’s blog. I submitted her application for sainthood this morning.

Monday, August 24, 2009

For a brief moment - both kids are sleeping.  I think.  The squishy one keeps grunting and the drama queen hasn’t kicked her wall in a few minutes.  I’m cautiously relaxed.


Today Jane left.  Headed back to the jungle and took my extra set of hands and her sanity with her.  And SexyHusband ALSO left, headed to some business meetings in New Jersery for 2 days.  So for the moment, I am outnumbered, barely a week out.  Ulp.


I’m tempted to delete the last 2 entries.  I swear, in the last week it feels like I’ve shed 13 layers of skin, pain and crazy.  Just when I’d go plummeting emotionally, something else on my body would go painfully wrong and the double whammy made me sink so much farther than I wanted to.  All the while there’s this baby to care for with new body parts to figure out, my daughter who I love more than life itself going crazy because she can’t understand why mommy is crying all the time and can’t hold her and all the changes she’s had to go through in the last few months (and for the record, I completely empathize - how DARE this new kid come in and take up her parents when they’d just gotten the one child thing figured out?!), and husband with a brand new job and all that additional stress.


 Labor is the easy part.


I think I’m starting to ease out of the shock though. I’m cautiously optomistic…

Friday, August 21, 2009

Okay, this morning Jane took me to the hopital and my amazing midwife prescribed several things to heal differend parts of my body and my soul.  I’m trying to tell myself everyone goes through this - I just really, really hoped this time it would be smoother.


WonderToddler is going bonkers.  She has been moved around and banged up almost as much as I have these last few months, and this transition is just plain tough.  I look at her and wonder how I got her from infant to this point - and wonder what the heck is possessing her to act like a 13-year-old with a heavy dose of attitude and cry because I’m in too much physical pain to think of what to do about it.  I look at this tiny, helpless being that I have no idea how to care for, and this wild, scared little girl and wonder how I can manage to be mom to both at the same time.


But I have to bright points to consider - 1. I survived the terror that was her infancy - it might take a while, but I’ll hit my stride.  It took about a year last time, this might be shorter or longer, but I know it happened, and 2. I look back at that picture SH took right after they put my little boy on my chest.  I was so happy - I wasn’t in the same kind of pain I’m in now - but as much as I wonder why I voluntarily chose to do this - something I KNEW would be tough - there’s no turning back now.  And I love him.  And her.  And someday, we’ll get good at this.  I just have to try and make TODAY a good one and try and stop being so afraid of tomorrow.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

I did everything I could think of this time to try and erradicate the possibility of PPD.  I looked at all the triggers and removed them, started medication, and got help.


But again, nursing is the thing that brings me down.  I’m not doing it this time - I know how it makes my body react and I wanted to be able to love my child this time without fear of what nursing does to me chemically.  I’ve done every single remedy there is - and yet, my chest is full to the point of bursting in the most painful way possible, and just looking at my children causes let-down and all the suicidal feelings that come with it.


I wanted to be good this time.  I really, really love my children.  I want to hold them.  I want to stop crying and hurting.  I really, really wanted this time to be different. 

Friday, August 14, 2009

alas and alak...

… how on earth do you spell “alak”?  Regardless, my womb is still very occupied.  I was due yesterday, but I’ve been DONE for a week or so.  Le sigh…  nothing I’ve done helps.  But Jane is here, being my personal slave and keeping me happy.  And every morning I wake up still pregnant is one more night that I got to sleep the entire night through… man, I’m gonna miss sleep…

Wednesday, August 12, 2009



GPOYW… HOPEFULLY the last picture we have of my Dude Bump.

Convince them of the reality of spiritual things. First teach them that “the spirit and the body are the soul of man” (D&C 88:15). Man is a dual being, a spirit within a mortal body. It is difficult to teach about the intangible, spiritual part. But there are ways to do it. For example, your students know about computers. A personal computer made of metal, plastic, glass, and a dozen other materials will hold an astonishing amount of information. All of the standard works can be stored there, and in addition, sets of encyclopedias, dictionaries, books on a whole library of subjects, even illustrations and mathematical formulas. With the press of a few keys, one can select any part of what is stored and see it instantly on a screen. One may, by pressing a few more keys, rearrange, add to, or subtract from what is stored in the computer. Press another key or two and you can print a copy of whatever you desire, even in full color. You then can hold in your hand tangible, absolute proof of what is inside there and how it is arranged. If, however, you should take the computer completely apart, you could not find one word of it, not one illustration, not one tangible evidence that there are volumes, verses, poems, and illustrations inside the computer. You could dissolve the computer with acids or burn it and you would not find one tangible word of evidence. You could no more find words in the ashes of a computer than you can find the spirit in the ashes of a cremated human body. No one doubts that this great base of information is actually stored in the computer. It should not be too difficult to teach each youngster that there is within the human body a spirit. Notwithstanding that it is invisible and intangible, it is the very essence of reality. You can, in context of the gospel plan, explain what that spirit is. Let me say that again. You can, in context of the gospel plan, explain what that spirit is, where it came from, and what the destiny of each of us is. Teach them to know that each is “the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in [them]” (1 Corinthians 3:16).

Convince them of the reality of spiritual things. First teach them that “the spirit and the body are the soul of man” (D&C 88:15). Man is a dual being, a spirit within a mortal body. It is difficult to teach about the intangible, spiritual part. But there are ways to do it. For example, your students know about computers. A personal computer made of metal, plastic, glass, and a dozen other materials will hold an astonishing amount of information. All of the standard works can be stored there, and in addition, sets of encyclopedias, dictionaries, books on a whole library of subjects, even illustrations and mathematical formulas. With the press of a few keys, one can select any part of what is stored and see it instantly on a screen. One may, by pressing a few more keys, rearrange, add to, or subtract from what is stored in the computer. Press another key or two and you can print a copy of whatever you desire, even in full color. You then can hold in your hand tangible, absolute proof of what is inside there and how it is arranged.



If, however, you should take the computer completely apart, you could not find one word of it, not one illustration, not one tangible evidence that there are volumes, verses, poems, and illustrations inside the computer. You could dissolve the computer with acids or burn it and you would not find one tangible word of evidence. You could no more find words in the ashes of a computer than you can find the spirit in the ashes of a cremated human body. No one doubts that this great base of information is actually stored in the computer. It should not be too difficult to teach each youngster that there is within the human body a spirit. Notwithstanding that it is invisible and intangible, it is the very essence of reality. You can, in context of the gospel plan, explain what that spirit is. Let me say that again. You can, in context of the gospel plan, explain what that spirit is, where it came from, and what the destiny of each of us is. Teach them to know that each is “the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in [them]” (1 Corinthians 3:16).


Boyd K. Packer, on teaching children - the best explaination I’ve heard on the nature of a spirit.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009



I bemoaned my non-labor status and asked for advice, and several people suggested that the same thing that got me into this state is the same thing that will get me out of it.  Azucar’s answer to those people STILL has me laughing :)



via: ladymisskate:topherchris:spiegelman:ooliquidnightoo

Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit Jane is coming to visit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 


She’ll touchdown in Madison at approx. 4:45pm today - baby is allowed to come around 7pm, whenever we get home from the airport.  I need a friend here so bad, I’m so thrilled and lucky to have her here.  Baby, you may exit. 

Monday, August 10, 2009

Ug, after a week of intestinal and mental angish, no baby.  Le sigh… I’m still dialated to a 3.  I’m still terrified, I’m still really, really unsure that I can do this and perfectly aware that the second this kid comes out, my next year and a half are shot.  No sleep, more messes, more terror, I get it, but let’s get it over with already.  Let’s just start this already, the sooner he gets here, the sooner my body and life will eventually find a new normal.  Eventually…  right??  My life will be okay eventually?!


Someone please convince my body to kick this bugger out?!

Friday, August 7, 2009

Frou Frou : Let Go I feel another contraction coming along. I was woken up by them this morning at 5am, although they went away around 6:30. I’m thinking maybe I’ll go into labor today… or soon. What an odd, ODD out of body experience… to think that tonight I could have a son. Very out of body, for a girl who never planned on any of this. You’d think I’d have some kind of control over this - my life, choosing motherhood and all that… but no, ever since I walked through the door of that party in July 2004 and walked right into SexyHusband for the first time, I’ve felt like I have been free-falling. Falling in love with him and taking the first step with him was also taking the last one… there really wasn’t any choice in the matter. I was going to fall in love with this boy, we were going to marry, have houses and kids, fights and laughter, and rocking chairs. Just like I have no choice but to give birth to this little baby at some point. I wonder if you’d explained all this to me that night 5 years ago if I would have walked into that party. There’s no way I would have really understood… and there was always something I felt missing that I don’t feel missing anymore. Nothing ever filled that void, until I was loved unconditionally by my husband and little girl. It’s a trade off I suppose - to feel complete, I have to live my life this way. I’m not complaining - just feeling… detatched from the situation at the moment. Looking at my body from the outside, trying to listen to its clues and know what I’m supposed to do now, when I’m supposed to call the hospital and when I’m supposed to breathe. And while I’m out there, looking at who I used to know and who I’m becoming… Last time I was in labor, I realized getting through contractions was remarkably like walking onto a stage to perform a solo recital. Every fiber of my being would scream “NO!! Don’t do this, it’s hard, it’s terrifying!!!” but I knew I had to, so I’d breathe, force my mind to leave my body and allow it to walk out there and do what I’d trained it to do and watch from somewhere else. I couldn’t control the situation because if I did, I’d think too much and I’d shake and it would be a disaster. So I trusted my body and left. Looking back, had I known that walking into that party would mean meeting my future husband, children, and at least 5 moves in less than 5 years (one international) - I would have to do the same thing I’m doing today. Just trust that my body can handle it and my mind will only gum up the works. All I can do is let go.

Frou Frou : Let Go


I feel another contraction coming along.  I was woken up by them this morning at 5am, although they went away around 6:30.  I’m thinking maybe I’ll go into labor today… or soon.


What an odd, ODD out of body experience… to think that tonight I could have a son.  Very out of body, for a girl who never planned on any of this.  You’d think I’d have some kind of control over this - my life, choosing motherhood and all that… but no, ever since I walked through the door of that party in July 2004 and walked right into SexyHusband for the first time, I’ve felt like I have been free-falling.


Falling in love with him and taking the first step with him was also taking the last one… there really wasn’t any choice in the matter.  I was going to fall in love with this boy, we were going to marry, have houses and kids, fights and laughter, and rocking chairs.


Just like I have no choice but to give birth to this little baby at some point.  I wonder if you’d explained all this to me that night 5 years ago if I would have walked into that party.  There’s no way I would have really understood… and there was always something I felt missing that I don’t feel missing anymore.  Nothing ever filled that void, until I was loved unconditionally by my husband and little girl.  It’s a trade off I suppose - to feel complete, I have to live my life this way.  I’m not complaining - just feeling… detatched from the situation at the moment.  Looking at my body from the outside, trying to listen to its clues and know what I’m supposed to do now, when I’m supposed to call the hospital and when I’m supposed to breathe.  And while I’m out there, looking at who I used to know and who I’m becoming…


Last time I was in labor, I realized getting through contractions was remarkably like walking onto a stage to perform a solo recital.  Every fiber of my being would scream “NO!!  Don’t do this, it’s hard, it’s terrifying!!!” but I knew I had to, so I’d breathe, force my mind to leave my body and allow it to walk out there and do what I’d trained it to do and watch from somewhere else.  I couldn’t control the situation because if I did, I’d think too much and I’d shake and it would be a disaster.  So I trusted my body and left.


Looking back, had I known that walking into that party would mean meeting my future husband, children, and at least 5 moves in less than 5 years (one international) - I would have to do the same thing I’m doing today.  Just trust that my body can handle it and my mind will only gum up the works.


All I can do is let go.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

The physical right now is…  well, I won’t tell you how it is.  It’s pretty much the sickest, nastiest stuff I’ve ever had to go through.  SH’s Really Important Business Meetings are now over so I am now free to go into labor at any time.  I am Very Tempted to do that NOW, just to end this misery.


But the mental…. I’m so scared.  I’m scared of how to be a mom to WonderToddler with a baby.  The last few days it has taken me almost 2 hours to get her down for naps, but I HAVE to because if she doesn’t get a nap, she ends up spending her evening running around the house crying and screaming uncontrollably, and then I’LL run around the house crying and screaming uncontrollably.  How will I manage to get her down with a baby?? 


Okay, not typing anymore because as I’m trying to come up with things to say about how terrified I am to be a mom to two, I cry harder and harder.


Oh, my doctor just called and wants me to come to the hospital now so they can hook me up to an IV.  Dang, I HATE IV’s.  I’ll update … soon …

edit: just got back from the doctor and got some medicine that might help… And I talked her out of the IV and into me promising to drink my weight in Gatorade. My will to live is diminishing…

Wednesday, August 5, 2009



Is it Wednesday already??  GPOYW, sick-as-a-dog-wishing-I-could-just-die-rather-than-feel-this-unbelievably-wretched-but-I won’t-feel-any-better-until-the-baby-comes-out-and-I’m-not-even-due-for-another-week edition.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009



Clip + Save of the Day: The last Snuggie flow chart you will ever need.


For Kristina, the ultimate Snuggie missionary.  If you don’t read her, you oughta.  Funniest bloggerist out there and a comment whore - I’m pretty sure she spends her entire day commenting on blogs.  Not that I’m complaining - love you Kristina!


click here to read my favorite entry of hers of all time -Superdell!


[image via.thedailywhat]

Monday, August 3, 2009

whew!

I was in so much pain last night I had to go to the hospital.  I’ve given birth before - the pain was like that, but without consistent contractions.  I thought I was out of my mind.  I’ve been in bed all weekend, nauseous, and every time I got up there was a painful contraction.  What was going on??


The flu.  The STOMACH FLU!!  What a relief!!!  It makes sense, the back and abdomen pain, the exhaustion, the nausea, and when you’re this far in the game, you get contractions every time you get up or change positions - and with those body aches, you get what equals contractions that are remarkably similar to those I experienced with labor.  I’m not crazy, I’m just sick!!


I still feel like I’m on the verge of dying, but now I’m not worried about being in labor before I’m ready.  I’m only dialated to 2, so I have a few days to prepare and stew.  I’m trying to visualize a little boy in the room across from mine. 


I came home at midnight, still feeling awful, but now I KNEW what was wrong.  I got in a warm tub and took some Tylenol and then I slept better than I have in days.  I woke up sick, but I KNEW it was sick.  I think I can survive this.  My mother in law is driving all the way from the ATL today to spend the week helping me with WonderToddler since I am… slower than usual.  I just need to keep hydrated and keep this guy in me for another week.  I need a week.


Isn’t it nice to KNOW what’s wrong?? 

Sunday, August 2, 2009

update

Home sick from church… and from life.


Not enough room in here for this boy - I wish there was more space, but there’s not and I’m shocked at how high my stomach is jumping and how much it hurts.


It’s enough to make me want labor.


Ug, I hate all this complaining.  But I’m really, really weak.  SH has important business meetings all this week and Jane is coming the NEXT week to help (so excited!!) - but I don’t know if this baby is going to stay in for much longer, or how long I’ll last.  This is going to complicate things muchly.  HALP.

Saturday, August 1, 2009

Children crave routine as much as they create chaos. It is their job to be a burden, and ours to shoulder it. We owe them this: a warm bed to nestle into every night, milk in the kitchen for breakfast. Eyes even when they don’t think we’re watching. The quiet, simple peace of always knowing they are loved.

Children crave routine as much as they create chaos. It is their job to be a burden, and ours to shoulder it. We owe them this: a warm bed to nestle into every night, milk in the kitchen for breakfast. Eyes even when they don’t think we’re watching. The quiet, simple peace of always knowing they are loved.
From a great post by Sweet Juniper!. If you want to get a snapshot of what it’s like to have kids, read this. (via guy)

bless his heart....

That’s something my mother in law says when talking about a soul who is particularly… particular.  She’s very sweet about it, and it stops any conversation about the person’s oddities because it reminds you that they are just human, like any of us.  I really like using that phrase when I feel like dogging on someone.  Good karma.


So bless the heart of the dear friend I talked to yesterday who gave me so, so much advice on pregnancy and labor and beyond.  I’ve never been to a birthing class, that’s a luxury my life hasn’t afforded what with the moves coinciding with my labors and all.  But he has - his wife is pregnant and they are apparently followers of the Bradley method of childbirth.  So I got an earful about all the things SH should be doing for me, what signs to look for in labor and all that.  Like I haven’t actually given birth before.  Hrm.  Bless his heart.


But hen he started in on why it’s so important I breastfeed, even for a few days.  I tried to kindly explain my situation, what happened last time and what we discovered about my body chemistry and why I’m at peace with letting go of that this time around.  Then he explained again why I need to breastfeed.  And again.  I was polite, but I’m wondering now why I didn’t scream to him that since HE’S not the one carrying a child and getting to go through all this AND HAS DONE THIS BEFORE - in a foreign country, without birthing classes, without family coming and spending months helping out, and has learned what I can do and cannot do by DOING, and I’m now just lucky to be in America and with doctors that are fully appraised of my situation and were the ones to tell me NOT TO NURSE because of my medical history AND YES, I WANT A BLASTED EPIDURAL BECAUSE MY WORTH AS A MOTHER DOES NOT DEPEND ON HOW I GAVE BIRTH AND IF I SQUIRTED LIQUID GOLD OUT OF MY BOOBS, BUT HOW I MANAGE TO LEARN TO LOVE AND GIVE AND TEACH MY DAUGHTER TO BE A KIND AND LOVING FRIGGIN’ GENIUS EVERY BLASTED DAY and that he should shut his blessed yapper. 


Bless his friggin’ heart.

EAT THIS

Can I just vent for a second? My full time occupation is Worrier in Chief.  I worry.  Sometimes I wonder what it's like to have normal...